2nd september 2007…the last time i posted up a blog was like 2 months ago, but it seems like ages… maybe it was becoz i needed to blurt it out so many times, but i just DONT have the freaking time to do so..2 months passed by pretty fast, i finished my MJP (medical junior posting)… im gonna miss the time we spent in the medical wards.. there were so many things to learn, see, experience and its just so different..the patients here are so friendly, cooperative and i dare swear that without them, we wouldnt be able to learn so much… despite being examined by so many ppl or sumtimes in pain, they are still always willing to talk to us. they also allowed us to observedthe procedures that were done on them..the nicest thing was being appreciated and encouraged by them… instead of we thanking them, they thanked us in return… the memorable part was when a particular patient actually opened up and told us his problem and not to the dr… im touched as this show that they trusted us even when we are only students. i will NEVER forget the time spent clerking and examining the uncles and aunties, brothers and sisters throughout my 7 weeks in MJP.. the bedsides were tiring as sometimes it will end around 7/8pm, but it was all worthwhile when you are taught by speacialists who are just so nice. at first we were so terrified when we hear their names, but after following their rounds and bedside teachings with them, they became our idols. (p/s : i met my dream doctor as well..keke..aint gonna reveal who he is, but haha…my posting mates know about it thou..) i hope i could be a nice and good doctor like them next time, though i am REALLY doubting my capability after screwing my exam..(dun wana elaborate much, except that i broke down after my long case..my short case was disastrous as well..just toooooo disappointed with myself plus its even more depressing when ppl boast about how ‘bad’ they did when they ACTUALLY did so well . plz ler..be more considerate about ppl’s feelings…)
besides the patients and speacialist, we are thankful to the houseofficers and nurses that are willing to help and guide us through..A BIG THANK YOU to all of them. without them, we are also lost in the wards.. in the nutshell, we actually built a good rapport with many ppl in the wards till some of the other students from other institutions were shocked to see how we actually talked with everyone around us..we are like a ‘family’ :) im not sure if we did ‘fight’ in our posting as we have been sharing our cases, but there were many complaints in other posting…i guess, everyone is just being selfish when they are DESPERATE… i hope i wont be facing such problems when im in that ’specific posting’.. nevertheless, i already know of these kinda ppl since first year… its still not too late that ppl are learning the true colours about others becoz someone who used to be close to me said before ‘ u wouldnt know when the ppl close to u will betray u, sooner or later…’ and i was not surprised when this person was actually betraying or using me rite from the start… i aint stupid, but just trying to be nice to others.. nevertheless, everyone has their limits..and i certainly do have mine.. the ppl who had already stepped on my tails MANY TIMES, should be prepared ler… being insulted by certain ppl in these 2 months, i learnt that some ppl just dun deserve to have my respect..i mean it and i will keep my words… another sad part in these 2 months was our school became ‘famous’ due to ‘complaints’ by GOD knows who… if ‘family members’ of our own school did that to us, its just damn shameful.. why not? condemning your ‘own family’ is just like lighting up the fire on yourself. the funniest thing was the ppl who stood up, were indirectly pointing their fingers on certain ppl but hei, arent these ppl are the ones who actually condemned our own lecturers in front of the specialist as well??? so, look at urself before trying to look at others…i just dont understand… no one does…
wat else…o..i have a room mate already..there was another ’story’ behind it but i wouldnt say much here.. just pray hard that everything goes well. if not, another bunch of gals will DEFINITELY dont wana see me coz im sure not only them, but the whole hostel will know the real me…its just crap when ur taken for granted when u tried to help.. hostel used to be very quiet until GOD knows wat type of ppl came back.. shouting like no one else business from one end of the block to another, banging the innocent doors each time they close the door and gave u the stone face thou u smiled at them…MY GOD…ya, without constant praying i would have actually lost my patience…another more than half a year…sabar ler… the best time to sleep is actually when u skipped class or during the holiday when no one else is around… i need peace… i REALLY do…
besides, just wana say a special thanx to a good fren who will be flying back today (in a few hours time)… thanx so much for being there for me…and thanx so much for calling me the nite before my exam.. i truly appreciate it..having weird dreams before my exam was another thing that crossed my mind. maybe its just me denying everything or trying not to think about it, coz i really dont know if i have actually ‘gave up’ on certain ppl that hurt me so badly in the past or even the ppl that i luv as frens… life is always a mystery…i still cant find the answers to my questions… i guess i wont be able to find at all..
3rd september 2007…
i dont know how to describe whats in my mind or heart,
its just killing me indirectly..
i was feeling very terribly wrong and uncomfy the whole yesterday..
yet i couldnt find out why or what triggers it…
it was the same feeling when my best buddy flew to elsewhere..
except that there were ’something’ else that make it worse..
my heart has been pumping irregularly since last nite..
i wish i could do something to push this thought away..
but its just haunting me…
the call on the day before my exam…
actually made me think so hard…
a particular line spoken caught my attention..
no one actually called back before to console me when im so stress..
but this person did…
and that call was like a call from a fren in ages..
yeah, i havent really spoken to anyone back in pg for months..
except for my parents and brother in kl.. and a fren of mine..
no one actually called to keep in touch…
at times, it made me wonder who am i to my frens..
FRIENDS… i mean those real frens…
who accepted and luv me as who i am…
supportive, encouraging and helpful..
i hardly hear from anyone now actually..
if i dont try my best to keep in touch..
i would say, i wont hear from anyone AT ALL… serious…
someone once told me, she doesnt fit in anywhere..
but at least she has someone now..
and it makes me think..
whether do i still fit in in my circle of frens…
ya..it saddens me… coz
some of these ppl are ppl i know more than 2/3 of my life..
and… they are ACTUALLY pieces of my heart..
if they only knew how important they are to me…
to my dearest fren who was supportive in these 3 months..
i truly appreciate what you did…
including the 13msgs in a row..
and the call that calm me down..
i didnt know how we got to know each other…
but its just a blessing…
i dont know if the msgs u sent had any meaning..
as it actually brought back painful memories..
no..i dont blame u..
u were just trying to make life easier for me..
i wanted to tell u the truth of everything when i called…
the truth of ‘trying to understand me’..
the truth of my msgs..
but i guess it wasnt meant to be..
i dont wana hurt u in anyway…
or to be hurt in anyway as well…
coz our frenship has been beautiful all these while…
i may or may not tell u this ’secret’…
but no matter what…
i always pray that u will do well…
im not sure if we will be close anymore..
but i promise i will foreva treasure u as a fren..
coz u are also a piece of my heart now…
