Enduring Journey..

less than 24hours…i will be heading back to sabah..yeah, i hate this feeling. been feeling so unwell the past few days, like a zombie and i didnt know what was going on. another thing that bothers me happened AGAIN yesterday while i was praying at St.Anne. i simply have no idea the reasons ‘it’ attacked me so often this time… i guess i should make up my mind..it must not be delayed anymore….

anyway, i had a wonderful time for my KL trip. i dont know whether will there be another chance for me to have such a great trip in the future as there will not be any long break this time. sigh.. so dpressing just to think about it. well, guess i achieved my main target til i darent really eat now when i see food around me. its really auto diet once im bk in sabah..

too bad that i didnt get to meet the others AGAIN… to those that i managed to meet up, really thank you so much coz it means a lot to me… i dont know when i will be coming back, maybe during CNY but it doesnt matter much i guess.. so, all the best to everyone… take care..chiao……..

"tit, tit, tit’…well, time is passing by pretty fast…..its been almost a week since i came to KL, or more precisely puchong… all alone in the house while bro and gf work on weekdays..nah, dun really feel lonely thou as i wanted it to be this way to clear my mind and made some decisions…and also to think of things…things that made me so confused and undecided at times. i came to a few conclusions and so im gona be firm with my decisions and NEVER to turn back. Regrets?? very unlikely coz i dont see ppl who did that to me have any feelings after all but slap me back with hurtful remarks… so, WHO cares anyway… things will change once i return to sabah… will go on according to my ‘plan’ and thats it.. i aint gonna care what the consequences will be as long as it doenst bother me AT ALL… life will just go on..

neway, eagerly waiting for my parents to come over tonite… gonna MAXIMISE watever time i have with them coz i dont know when wil be the nex time im cuming back.. miss baby joel so much… and gonna miss my biggy pooh’s company AGAIN…sigh sigh sigh…

well..it was great that my hols plan FINALLY came true thou i didnt like the bus journey to KL coz the bus that came shattered my hopes of getting a peaceful sleep / nap before i reach KL..for the first time, i sat on the double decker..bro said only lucky ppl will get that bus..ya, rite..with those ’stories’ told by my uncle, i could only chant my prayers the whole journey..and with 2 kids that added miseries to my already disrupted sleep,it really pissed me off..my head was aching badly all the way but thank GOD, it subsided once i reach KL..

we were freaking hungry coz the bus was late..and so sorry that bro and ai phing had to wait for me till so late… our next journey..FOOD..yeah, wallap the buffet steamboat which we mite be going again this saturday when parents are coming over… the nex day, went for A & W, man..it was ages since i last tasted the float and burgers there… then, watched spidey, wasnt that nice like i have expected but it was ok… i didnt know wat was for dinner until we reached that place… it was a famous japanese restaurant..i forgot the name..but it was the best place for me so far…man, the varieties of food is heaven like..and there were so many ppl waiting at the door before business starts… i enjoyed myself, thou i didnt eat as much as i hoped for… man, how i wish my tummy could expand 10X for this type of occasion.. hehe…

on sunday, we ate breakfast, lunch and tea at around 3 sumthing or was it 4pm.. bro must be very tired coz he didnt realise that he slept that long.. hehe.. then, for dinner, my request for TGI’s Friday was FINALLY granted.. hehe..yeah, the food is not bad..pretty filling and the cheese cake is the best i have EVER eaten..yummy… the sundae is superb too but ii wud be better with more choc..keke..yeah, im a choc freak, thou not that extreme yet..

neway, with all the good food and expenses on bro, there’s some guilt also coz i know he’s saving for the holiday with my parents..so, get my butt moving by cleaning the house, and ironed clothes..i saw a "hidden present"..nono..i dont mean to, but it was there when i opened bro’s cupboard (which was used to be mine when i was in AIMST)..hehe…so sorry…nah, cant tell bro coz i wasnt supposed to know..ooopsie….

okies… more updates later in the week.. gona enjoy some movies and novel.. chao..

well, it’s very unlikely for me to post up 2 blogs in a day but i just need to get certain things out from my head… talking back to someone whom i lost touch for 3 years plus makes me wonder whether have i taken things too lightly or seriously previously… i remember saying to someone that hurt me pretty bad at that time that i have no rights to ‘end’ a frenship.. exactly.. who i am to say that..?? its seems so childish, those kinda things kiddos do at school.."i dun wana fren u this and that.." and the sentence mentioned by the person.."yeah, i still can remember u from head to toe.." actually freaks me out..wow.. who can actually remember me from head to toe?? some ppl dont even recognise me, so wat can i say about this person who last saw me in 2004…???

another thing is..haih.. i have actually left AIMST for 2 years, but still so many ppl asked about it… okies…i dont think its partly my fault coz i think i did made some ‘announcements’ before i left.. so, i guess those who are still so sesat must be the ppl who just doesnt care…nah, dont blame them also ler..who are supposed to care about me???

and then..another thing came back to my mind… all the sad memories just flow back all at once… wow… that’s something i didnt quite expect but then i didnt feel pathetic after all..i guess i managed to overcome everything by now… i guess i really made up my mind… and when im determined, that’s it.. i will do it… :) 

okies…will stop the crapping in the mean time… sorry to those that have junks of my blog announcements… hehe… will stop temporary unless i just to blah something in kl.. hehe.. i just need this ‘peace of mind’…

the thing i dont like when im back home is the time when my parents start to ask me to gather my things as preparation to go back to sabah..darn.. i hate it the most when im REMINDED of the time i will be flying back… ya, i cant deny the fact, but i just dont like it.. i usually leave it to the VERY last minute before i force my butt to start moving and packing the things i wana bring back or ’steal’ back from the house… i know my parents just dont want me to leave something behind..coz i almost left my PUPUK report the last year =P.. neway, its one month since i came back.. and i know that my parents are feeling the sadness once i flew away again in 2 weeks time..coz this time i dont know when i will be back.. i overheard dad whispering to mum and i know he’s hiding the sadness in him… arhh.. this gonna make me feel bad or worse coz each time tears will just flow down each time i hug them before boarding… and mum told me a few times before that dad actually cries when we are not around…yeah, we are pretty close as a family..i cant feel the pain and emptiness in him… being my dad’s pet (that’s what my mum and bro address me), im usually given what i’ve asked for, from laptop, camera to my baby joel..and hence, i darent ask for more except for books and things i need to use…

neway, looking forward for my trip to kl… less than 24 hours i will be on my way.. parents will be coming down also the following week.. so gonna eat GOOD QUALITY food before i starve myself again… keke… oo..did i mention that i dee packed for my trip to kl..?? kekeke…

SACRIFICES… well, this word actually bring back some memory.. memory of things that i went through… i know without them i wont be the person who i am or maybe i wont be hear at all.. and so when i heard the story of someone going through the same pain i went through or worse, it actually made me realise that ppl who truly love us will sacrifice watever it takes because they want us to succeed..yeah, they are our parents… i heard of parents selling houses, opt for VR etc etc… to pay for their children’s education.. yeah, thats a HUGE sacrifice that we cant repay no matter what we do.. they have the rights not to support us but they chose otherwise…

so..came the question…will i make HUGE SACRIFICES for them in return??? well, of lately, Dad has been hinting of staying with me after his retirement…well, thats like 6 years from now but i have to start planning.. i can NEVER measure his sacrifices for this family, so is mum’s.. both of them have done so much for me and brother… when mum told me of something recently, i was actually holding back tears.. when i watched those mother’s day’s movies, i was weeping not becoz of the show in particular but of the things that i experienced.. bro is starting by saving hard for the holiday trip with my parents… nah, im not included… but some miracle mite happen thou :)..that depends when my hols is coz mum really wans the four of us to go together.. and she says i can borrow the loan from dad first… wow.. i darent even ask for my allowance actually coz my wallet is drying up this month.. still owe a few presents thou.. hmm, just see what i can do.. each time i ask money from dad, that’s like an ouchie in my heart… even i could be a millionaire one day, i dont think i can ever repay what dad has paid for me.. he didnt even allow me to apply scholarship coz he doesnt want to be bonded.. being a FAMA scholar, i learnt to spend my money wisely.. became pretty stingy too

and then… im just curious is it that every parent hope that their children will settle down one day..or before their last breath?? i heard of this many times but im just FORCING myself not to keep this in mind… well, not that im being disobedient, just that sometimes im doubtful if it is that ‘important’.. i was telling of my plans after i grad (well, i know its still TOO EARLY but without plans, u dont push urself to keep going, aiye..)and so.. Mum is like "No no.. ur not staying in Sabah for that long.. unless ur going to settle down there…"..oopsie.. well, she told me of a few reasons ‘WHY I SHOULD RETURN’ once i grad.. but the main reason she told me wasnt a ’strong reason’ for me.. hence, it made me think, will i sacrifice for them..?? if i say NO, i guess i would be committing the worst sin ever.. if i said yes, i mite not have a good opportunity to do what i have intended to do..though it will be 3 years till i made the FINAL decision, i guess i already have the answer in my head.. There is no way i will disappoint them even a tiny bit, i CAN NEVER forget how they struggle for me and provide the best for me.. so, i have no rights to turn down their little favour.. i owe everything to them…

oo..did i mention i went back to school today..? yeah, going back to my secondary school..changes..yup, i didnt know its already one session, i didnt know there’s extension to the canteen but surprisingly, the famous "mak ali chicken rice is still there’..hehe.., i didnt know there’s a new hostel building etc etc.. the 6th form students are getting lesser..way to go.. surprisingly, a few teachers still remember me, even those who taught me in form 2.. kaka.. and its nice catching up with Pn. Bedah, the used to be librarian who helped me and listened to my problem back then.. and Ms. Neoh, my dearest Biology teacher who taught me in form 6, practically the only one who understood why i cried like hell even on stage when i learnt i got A- for bio while others were congratulating me… and another teacher, Pn.Veena who taught me chem in form 5, who talked to me lots about medic school and stuff…. i wasnt sure i was happy in secondary school.. but i remember clearly the sacrifices i made in form 6.. it was hell to me and my parents were freaking out for the two years.. i guess i made life a hell for them too.. i didnt know what made me do this, but im glad i did thou it was painful.. i take it as a ‘test’ from GOD, to make me realise and appreciate things and people i might have not cared previously..i guess there’s still a lot of things i still need to improve…

sometimes i do wonder if things are to happen as it should be.. and sometimes when i think something had ended, there’s always a twist in it… nothing serious thou but just questions that i have been waiting for the answers.. i darent hope so much as i fear that it will only be a disappointment after all… thou i came back for almost a month, i hardly meet up with ppl.. only 3..yeah, 3..not even 4…pathetic?? maybe… but i just dun wana feel the pain anymore… all the empty promises given just hurt me or should i say pissed me off actually… 2 more days for me in penang… in kl for 10 days… and then 3 more days in pg before i flew bk to sabah.. it doesnt make much difference whether im back or not to certain ppl but i know it means a lot to my family… so, i guess things will just be like…

neway, today i did two of the craziest thingy.. i soaked my puppy and pooh bear in anti-bacteria dynamo.. yeah, i know im gonna destroy them (hope bro isnt reading thi, if not he’s gonna kill me) but they are just too dirty.. sorry too justin.. i know i shouldnt torture puppy like that.. u do know i luv it lots.. just need to clean them before i bring back to sabah… another crazy thing i did was to pour hot water on my fingers while making my ‘a must coffee’.. its kinda painful but i guess its just my mistake… didnt know what got into me today… haih..

hmm.. just looking forward for my ‘peace of mind’ visit thou there will be a duty for me there.. mum already gives order to bro to ‘torture’ me for a week.. keke.. yeah, been lazing worse than a pig all these weeks… i just cant open my eyes.. i guess its the effect of being home in my cozy room.. will enjoy to the max for the last 2 weeks.. books plz fly back to the luggage,k.. keke..

happy birthday to ABANG kah wai..stop calling me kakak when ur elder..blek!!!
happy teacher’s day to all teachers…

though today is Mother’s Day..
i guess i owe an apology to Dad..
not that i really committed a sin..
but when i see the ‘effects’ of the ‘planned dinner’..
which was understood by his weird behaviour..
i just knew something didnt go well..
he wasnt himself when we met up with him after that..
which make me feel guilty in a way..
coz i was the one who came up with this plan..
as i didnt want to destroy Mother’s day with mum..

as much as Dad wanted me and Mum to be there with him..
i just know that we cant be with him for this event..
im trying my best to avoid any meeting with this person..
i just cant face the fact and things this person lamented on us..
and i definitely cant and will NEVER forgive this..
it’s been 22 years..or going to 23 years..
im suffering this torture..thou i know mum suffers more..
i tried to hide those pain in me..
as i dont want my parents to feel what im going through..
i used to be forced to meet up with this person..
but not anymore.. its only my choice..
regrets… no… but my only hope is..
just leave me and my family alone..
im being patient..so is bro i think..
but if things are going to be worse by next year..
i hope i dont have to fly back just to solve this nuisance matter..
i wont pity, neither will i care..
coz, i’ve been treated like rubbish by u…
as if that u care…

the statement used to haunt me when i was a little child,
but when i think back, it only made me smile..
why wouldnt i be scared when i was told..
"U naughty gal, we found u at the rubbish dump"..
ouchie..yea, it hurt me to the max..
but i cant and dont blame my parents..
coz i kinda made life a hell for them at that time..
when i was so rebellious and fought back..
each time i was punished for the mistakes i’ve done..
as time passes by..and with the birth marks i found,
i realised it was just a statement to scare me..
yeah, it was a disappointment showed by them..
when they already given me so much..
but i was yet to be thankful at that time..

after all these years… im will be 23 in a few months time..
the memory still lingers in my mind each time i see my birth marks..
how could i be possibly so naive..or should i say..am i that stupid??
yea..i dont deny that..but then wouldnt a small gal be worried??
with mother’s day just around the corner..
i guess mum needs to be given the honour for things she had and still doing..
not only for me.. but also to dad and brother..

MUM…
its another year since i last wrote a poem to you..
its just a small token that i can do at this moment..
it mite be just another of my crapping moment..
but i know deep in you heart, thats all that matter..
You didnt ask to be pampered..
You didnt ask for expensive gifts..
You didnt ask for anything precisely..
but deep in your heart.. i know.. i REALLY know
You hope that all of us are healthy..
You hope that brother and I will succeed in our lives..
You hope that all of us will live happily as a family..

MUM…
over these years, u hardly complain..
You hardly told us ur pain..
but.. You are always there when we complain..
You are always there when we are in pain..
You always open your arms to us..
You always lend your ears and shoulder to us..
You wipe those tears that fell on our faces..
You blew away the gloomy skies around us..
You clear all our worries..
by just being there for us..

MUM…
You are indeed special..
You might not be the best person on earth..
but its more than enough for me..
to have the BEST mother in my world..
there’s hardly any mother..
who will allow me to just laze around..
who will ‘disallow’ me to bring back my books..
who will ask me not to study during my hols..
who will disallow me to burn the midnight oil thou exam is around the corner..
who will ask me not to come back coz the flight is expensive
who will  not pamper me with gifts..
who will scold me back when i complain what others did to me..
who will not entertain my tantrum..
who will discipline me with just ‘the look’..
and who will NEVER take anything for granted..

MUM..
i know by doing all these dont mean that u dont love me..
You love me too much to that..
its because i realise what You are trying to do all these while..
to advise me to grow up and stop whining..
to teach me the value of saving for rainy days..
to teach me that Love couldnt be replaced with gifts..
to teach me that no matter what happens.. family is still my utmost priority..

MUM…
i know.. i just couldnt thank You enough for all the things u have done and still doing..
i will foreva remember the things u reminded me of..
i could only give u promises..
which i swear i will fulfill no matter what it takes..
i am also terribly sorry for hurting u at times with my ignorant attitude..
i know u are hurt deeply but u NEVER show it..
coz u have forgiven me.. no matter how big the mistake is..

MUM..
i just wana say i LOVE You so much..
with the hugs u gave me, i know how warm your love is..
with each kiss, i know how precious i am to You..
but MUM..i wan You to know that..
You are precious to me as well..
You are one of the big pieces of puzzle that complete me..
and i DARE say.. without u..without dad.. without brother..
there will be no me..
i will treasure everything that i have..
i am thankful for everything that i have..
and most importantly..
im glad to have u all as my family.. my dearest precious family..

Happy Mother’s Day MUM…

to be able to meet up with a fren / bro after 4 years..
after all the PPKs and excuses..
is just another good thingy..
to be able to catch up on things..
to be able to dig ’secrets’..
thou not from me..i know its unfair..
but i just cant help it mah..
sorry bro, dont mean to hurt ya..
i just dun wana dig out past memories that haunted me..
coz i just manage to ‘free myself’ from it..
but the swear i made..was for real..
i guess u got the wrong month..
it was last year that i told u about it..
i was a FREE person after about a month..
it doesnt work.. but im glad it stopped at that point..
coz the truth i learnt was just too much to believe..
so better feel the pain at that time than in the future..
and so.. i DUN belong to anyone but my parents..
yeah, thats lame but thats the fact that cant be denied..
anyway.. i just dun get the ‘garfield’ thingy..
dun hav to explain.. guess i mite know it after i think..
all in all..its just nice meeting up..thanx so much..
next time.. 5 star restaurant ya… kekeke..