Enduring Journey..

MM1028 blues

if i have a gun, i will shoot not at myself for sure but at anything that annoys me,
if i can shout till the whole building shatters to dust, i would
if i can scream till every pieces of the glass breaks, i would
if i can beat at anyone or anything, i would
if i can do anything just to release the pain in me, i would
but i dont know what i can do
i cant blaim anyone for performing so badly
i DID study and burnt midnite oil not for a few days
but everyday since the semester starts…
i never give up no matter what i did previously
but what ever happened really make me think again,
why is this repeating?
why my hardwork rarely pays?
i’ve been sacrificing so many things to come so far…
but why the obstacles are accumulating till im so depressed
it was a sign that the paper will kill me mentally
i knew it…
i was shivering and my hands were trembling since the morning…
why cant i stay strong?
why cant i push harder sum more?
why is there so many things in my head?
is it true that im really down with pneumonia or worse TB?
the sound i heard in my lungs is becoming more prominent…
i fear to go through this all alone…
but i think there is a few that will never leave me alone..
my family… a few other person
a fren that i will forever treasure….
i owe u even though u hurt me before…
THANX for the very only person that has been asking persistently
who NEVER fail to care and concern about me more…
im glad to be able to know u here…
thanx and more thanx…
i really hope u will not leave me alone..and support me if something really happen to me… i need encouragement and strength to move ahead… im really so weak and getting worse….

HOW COME…???

i dont know how or when it started
but memory of u just flow back
and though shock and startled i was
i guess there was a reason to everything
it brings back memory of how our frenship gloomed
we patched things up after years of drifting apart
we talked and laughed like old times
somehow we were close to each other in a short time
nevertheless,
as fast as it started
i ended pretty fast as well…
you were so occupied with ur stuff
in which i have no rights to say or judge
all of a sudden u were cold to me
yet, i cant possibly tell u how i felt…
the impact u left on me still lingers in my mind
that’s when u woke me up at 3am..but u kept quiet…
you finally opened up and told me how u felt the nex day..
i was still shock to this day…
But at that time, i didnt know how i shud do or say…

i could only remember u telling me…
it was me who didnt want to open up
it was me who didnt want to share anything with u
it was me who didnt want to accept u
but of course u didnt know…
AT THAT TIME…
i was already accepting u
i was already wanting to share with u all my fear and doubts
i was already wanting to open up
i was already wanting to accept ur hug
i was already wanting to lean on ur shoulder for support
i was just so fearful of hurting u
coz i know the pain u went thru was hell to u

Looking back…
i was wondering have i wasted yet another chance
or was it the nightmares that kept haunting me…
i darent start as i fear so much..
fear of being hurt and hurting the one i luv
fear of being betrayed and backstabbed by the one i trust
fear of being lonely when we are far apart…
there isnt regret i should say
but a hope that i pray…
That u will continue to be my dear fren..
coz i’ve written u in my heart
which no one else could replace…

DECCEE…

Sis,
its been nearly 8 years since i first knew u
and i still didnt know why i ‘chose’ u to be my sis
was it becoz i long for an elder sister?
or was it becoz we are meant to be sister?

Sis,
i could still remember vividly
we started of as strangers
with u being my senior
and be being the stubborn headed junior…

Sis,
i will NEVER forget how nice u have been to me
supporting and encouraging me endlessly
giving me the advices and guiding me thru
my problems became our problems
my worries became ur worries too

Sis,
i will NEVER forget how u have helped me
along those bumpy and ‘roller-coaster’ kinda roads
you trusted me when no one thinks i can
you protected me when u know im being harm
you cared for me as a true sister im hoping for
u showered me with your endless love and prayers…

Sis,
though there were obstacles that hurt both of us
it ended well with us being closer together
more willing to open up and share
more willing to compromise and ‘give & take’…

Sis,
Though we are far apart in distance
i know our hearts are being bridged upon a strong bond
over these years we hardly meet or talk
but deep in our hearts,
there are the special places and memories
that nothing can ever replace…

Sis,
i really dont know what else to say
as words just couldnt describe the feelings inside
words just couldnt describe the appreciation
words just couldnt describe how thankful i am
to have u in my life…

Sis,
i just wana wish u all the best
everything u do, anything u do,
you will always have my support and care
i will NEVER forget what u’ve done for me
coz those are pieces of puzzles
that shaped me to be who i am now…
THANK YOU my dear sis…

25 APRIL 2006…

25 April 2006…..
FINALLY, i completed my first year of studies after all these while…
after a month plus of exam including some breaks in between
i should be glad that at last i did finish a year completely
but then..im more worried whether will  i repeat this first year…
through the exam,
i dont have any confidence in any of the papers…
i flopped so badly for the very first OSCE
i hate and felt so disappointed over it
coz i had prepared so hard for it
but to ruin it in the end
and no thanx to sum PPL who made life so miserable…

i thought i was more focused this sem but no…
i still performed so badly…
i was lucky last semester but im not sure about this semester
i wasnt in good shape since before exam…
with peripheral cyanosis in my fingers
plus a mixture of yellow bands
i could see that in my toes of lately
there’s wheezing when i breathe out
and yeah, the difficult to breathe kinda symptom is part of it
and i really dont know what’s going on
seniors said i might have heart disease
doc said of pneumonia
frens said of tuberculosis…
i dont know which is true
im really hoping to go back to pg
coz if sumthing do happen to me
i wan to be with my family…

i really dont know what to do…
nightmares have been haunting me…
i felt so lost all of a sudden…
i wish i have the answers
i wish i have the guidance…
my spirit is getting weak…
how long can i stand?