Enduring Journey..

a few more hours to go before i leave for pg..i dont think i can sleep tonite..it was a day of mix feelings… my day started with prayers in the mahindrama temple…then, i met up with khean yoong and treated him sushi, something i owe him for more than 2 years dee. i’m glad that i manage to fulfill my promise as i hate to break any promise.at first, i couldnt really recognise him coz he changed hair style dee and more build up… and he said he also cant recognise me until when i smile at him..hmm..wondering is it that my smile really meant anything? last time, chandra said that by looking at my smile or my smiling face could actually cure his sickness… that’s a bit kua cheong i think. i dont think there is anything special in my smile.. nvm… we talked for some time… he kept asking me whether am i all rite but i just ignore that question… i cant answer him… and i wont answer as well…it was quite scary ler when he stared into my eyes. i felt bad when he told me that he actually had to cancel two appointments to meet me… hence, i will treasure every minute and second we had…coz it might be the last time i will get to meet him. by the way he talked, it actually managed to answer some questions that i have been doubting… i understand his msg and i wont ask more… i thought by meeting him will make me feel better, but no.. it hurts… my heart was screaming when we bid farewell.. yeah, finally know that ‘feeling’ of letting go isnt easy. i’ve tried for years and will keep on trying… i wont turn back time.. i know it’s time i look forward…. he said of treating me nex time, but i just said dun say too early.. we mite not know what the future is for us..the real thing, i dont think i have the heart to ever meet him again… hmm… just let bygones be bygones… i have to be strong this time……. my movie plan also have to be cancelled… bro sent me an early msg saying the booked the tickets for narnia and zathura on sat dee.. okies then…

came back with such a heavy heart… no choice… dun wana think so much and decided to pack my things… mana tau… watched my drama instead. i hope to finish it before i return to kk on sun..maybe continue at bro’s place.. dad asked me wat i wana eat but i dun really have the mood to eat dee..sigh.. then, suddenly dad says he isnt feeling well.. just hope that things will be better tomorrow… after dinner, FINALLY packed my things and i guess no matter how big my luggage is NEVER enough for me..hehe.. i thought i can put bro’s filter in my bag but ish.. still cant go in.. have to use separate paper bag… i wanted to make life simple as i thought i will have to take the lrt and stuff.. but instead bro actually will wait for me in pudu..hehe.. save my trouble as bro will carry my luggage dee.. hehehehe.. luv him so much.. my dearest and best koko in the world…

then, just now went out for supper with marvin.. my dearest best buddy that no one can EVER replaces… im really looking forward to meeting him after nearly a year dee… wow..how time moves… we talked for sumtime also ler… i even told him that i argued with vern… always also argue with him eh.. but i have to admit that part of it is my fault also ler.. i have apologized but he’s still doubtful..i cant do anything else… it was really nice meeting up with marv… an important person in my life.. w/o his support and guidance, i wont be who i am today… words just wouldnt describe how grateful and thankful i am to know him… it was kinda sad when he dropped me back as i know it will be another year or more before i can meet him again…. but i wont weep this time when i return to sabah..maybe sad but i dont think i will weep… i will move on and work extremely hard for the new sem… will be looking forward for cny then… all da best and take care to everyone that i didnt get to meet or those who promise to meet me but didnt… i know u ppl are bz with ur life… just take care and dont over pressure urself…gonna miss everyone and luv u ppl lots… chao…

time passed really fast…in a day more i’ll be leaving for kl…that’s like so pathetic… dad keeps bugging me about packing my luggage but i really dun have the heart to pack…the worst was mum is having sum chest pain. i know its pretty painful but she’s trying her best to hide it from it so that i wont have to worry… i just hope that everything is allrite… i will sure leave with such a heavy heart… i dee promised that i will work hard in the nex sem but im really doubting myself… i will try to stay focus.. i HAVE to…

went to gurney again… this time with my parents.. they wana get some CNY clothes…kinda grab the opportunity ler since its the year end sale but end up, im the one buying again…oopsie… bought 2 tees from PDI.. like them ler..mum got herself one too  but dad didnt buy anything.. i guess this month dad’s gonna faint when the credit card bill comes… been swaping here and there… sorry… after that, went over for my fave ‘lok-lok’..it was like heaven… didnt eat that for more than half a year and was dieing for it ler.. hehe… mum says im eating as if i just return from kampuchea…maybe.. will suffer hardcore once i go back dee mer… biscuit diet and oat resume.. gonna lose some more weight… anyway, there are still a lot of things that i didnt eat.. i dont think i can finish everything again…aiks…miss my ‘mamak’ again…sigh…

then, it was considered one good day also.. hehe.. i guess the impact marv have in my life is undoubtable…i was so worried about his return and also scared that he might forget about me leaving on fri.. and when i was in my deep thought, came a msg from a num i didnt have.. and i was smiling all the way when i read that it was him… hahahaha…then, he just called instead of smsing here and there..hehe.. so, we will meet tmr nite for supper..man, so many things to tell him.,…hehehe… i hope he can still recognise me..he will..haha…dad was like..huh, meet such a short time… where can talk to much..so i hope tmr i can go over my curfew.. hehe.. i will come up with sumthing then… tmr schedule also very packed..hehe… prayers, meet khean yoong, then..later movie with the rest..then, at nite, is supper with marv…im not sure about meeting darren yet, he didnt even msg dee..nvm… hope everything turns out well.. i dun wan ppk again loh… really cant take it ler..my heart starts to weep dee… sob sob…

the "last breakthrough",
though im just half way thru,
it was really an inspiring drama,
at first…
i wasnt concern,
i didnt really care,
i didnt bother anything,
it didnt hit me hard…
nevertheless…
the more i watch it,
the more detail and deep it is,
it really touches my heart,
it does leave a mark in my soul
it does open my eyes
it gives me a better view
it gives me a clearer picture
it does open my ears
it does open my heart…
i realise that there is a tough task in front of me
i realise that there is a difficult path in front of me
i realise that i should not only see
i realise that i should not only hear
i realise that my touch is more important
how i touch the hearts of ppl i will meet in future
there is NO EXACT answer to a situation
it depends on how we deal with it
it depends on the risk we are taking
it depends on how we handle a situation
it depends on how fast we are in decision making
coz every second counts
it it a matter of life and death
and saving ppl is the upmost priority…

being in RC for so many years
having seen some real accident victims in front of me
i NEVER doubt of my decision anymore
until i saw that drama…
the ‘doctors’ were so willing to risk their lives
the ‘doctors’ dont mind sacrificing
the ‘doctors’ will do anything for the patients
from having meals with them to giving CPR
including patients with TB and AIDS
does it happen in the real situation?
or is it just a matter of the drama?
will i be able to perform that heavy responsibility?
will i be able to take the risk?
will i be able to sacrifice so much?
will i be able to handle this???

okies… i woke up late this morning coz i was deeply hurt last nite… cried ler….i was supposed to meet steven at 11.30am but i woke up around 11.10am..i tot i would be late..but no, he was later..nvm… he introduced me to this upline.. i just give him face to attend to the ‘eia saw’ of marketing… im currently not interested into this line.. nextime im not sure but now.,really no commitment.. i have my own priorities… i know the things that i NEED to do is so simple but i really cant do it… i know of the amount of money i can earn but i really cant do it… i know i should give myself a chance but not now…im really sorry but i will do watever i can to help him…so, whoever is interested in this marketing kinda thingy, please drop me a msg…

then, met some other frens and then met up with poh lee, chin yen and lijen..okies ler..talk and talk as if we didnt talk for ages like that… hehe..memang also.. so long din meet them dee.. haha.. lijen was so quiet i dont know why… he was the one who ask me to go yam cha last time…nvm… my movie plan has to be cancelled but i MUST go to GSC before i go back to sabah..or i will weep…

i dont know what got into me
i was so depressed..
i was so restless
i was just so sad
i guess the going back syndrome is killing me
i was just pissed with everything
i dun feel like meeting anyone
i dun feel like talking to anyone
but yet..i miss them so much
my heart is so painful
my heart is so hurt…

i dont mean to hurt u
i know u are sincere
i know u meant well
i know it was my mistake
i should be more aware of the things i typed
i should be more careful of using ‘EVERYONE’
i dont and NEVER mean to insult u
i just dun wan to weep each time i return to sabah
i just dun wan to be at my lowest level when i go back
i dun wana regret not being able to meet so many ppl
i dun wana disappoint myself again…

after the ‘almost giving up my life thingy’
i question myself
how long can i survive
how long can i fulfill my promises
how long can i continue caring
how long can i continue understanding
how long can i continue luving…
‘IT’ make me realise of so many things
we dont know when is ‘our time’
we should appreciate of the things we have
we should be thankful for everything
we should be grateful for everything
hence,
i am praying for others
i am praying for world peace
i am praying for my family’s well being
i am praying for my frens. relatives and the rest
may they be fine, happy, healthy and prosperous always
coz i know that;s the only thing i can do..
i know no more…
i fear… i really do….

only last nite yong chang asked me to control my diet, but today i ate as if i didnt eat for days..or maybe my tummy kecut dee after weeks of biscuit diet….. had my fave soup for lunch, and dinner was heavy.. char koay teow, fried oyster, ikan panggang and hong kong chee cheong fun… hehe.. so damn nice mer… and just makan  ‘bah kua’ given by my couz.. hehehe.. okies.. will go jogging dee..

neway, loo, soo fei, ying huei (my coursemates in UMS) and her bro came over to gurney this afternoon but only for a while as they had to send soo fei to the airport to catch her plane… kinda rush also ler..okies, they also cant recognise me… they said i have changed a lot.. got mer? same mer… sigh…i really wonder how many ppl cant recognize me dee… didnt really buy anything except justin’s pressie… hope he likes it..or pengsan me… i hope marvin will return SOON..didnt hear any news from him yet…his pressie also ready dee…

mum just now mentioned that she feels that i really enjoy myself there… yeah maybe… compared to those horrid days i had in AIMST… nightmares all the way through… i really cant imagine how life will be for me if i were to remain there.. the only good thing i could think of is i will have some fun time with joyce, and maybe mengumpat with her and yih yang and chandra… get to know jong huei better…but the rest of the story, nah…dun wana think also.. i REALLY have some campus life in UMS..but walking up and down the hill is no fun ler… dad wont give me the car… that;s the hardest part… i’m like one handicap without a car… just hope that once bro graduate, there will be still some hope… been praying hard for some miracle to happen… the only thing that mite change my dad’s mind most probably if he strike a lottery… i know i know.. it’s selfish and should NEVER be in my prayers..but that’s the only thing i can do mer… so desperate for a car…sorry oo.. please forgive me GOD for being so immature…

third day in penang…oh my GOD…really gained weight dee.. i think i have gained more than 2kg dee… seems like eating non stop..think really will gain back those kg i shed.. mum says she needs to feed me and she doesnt care how i diet when im in kk..so gona diet again when i return to KK… not gonna gain back those hardwork i went thru…today my jogging plan didnt work out…haha.. partly i didnt wake up as i tot it was raining… dad didnt wake up too..hehe.. only mum woke up around 6.30am… okies.. just hope tomorrow’s plan really work..really need to burn those fats ehh…so many things not yet eat =) ate crab just now… it was damn delicious oo… haha.. was enjoying every single bit of it.. just hope that no one saw me eating just now… yeah.. i think i saw my senior..but i just pretend that she didnt see me as urm, i expect that she couldnt recognise me as well..coz so many ppl couldnt eh.. hahahahaha… last nite, so many ppl perli me cukup cukup… steven also perli till i duno how to reply…i really dun understand y so many ppl are so concerned about me and some mysterious bf of mine that i didnt know…haiyo… to everyone, im still SO SINGLE… no one wans eh… so, dun ask me this question again lah… pai seh only… dun question me like my mum ler… anyway, hope to meet so many ppl on mon…gonna message so many ppl dee… i just didnt hear from those ppl who wana meet me… just hope no PPKs ler…or im gonna kill those ppl..sure will cry again in KK… hope marv will return by this week… HE HAS TO RETURN… okies, my parents might be follwing me down to kl this time… dad wana spend more days with me… i just dun wan him to cry again like last time.. it really makes me feel even worse… hope what ever plans i have in mind will work… adious…

2nd day in penang… really tiring eh… woke up around 7.30am, went to do straight perm on my bushy hair at 8.30am… it’s REALLY early..it was already 12.30pm when i finished mine and mum… mum did the curls on her hair which i’m not that suitable in… then, went to the airport as all the aunties said that 5th uncle will leave for USA about 3pm… mana tau, uncle’s flight is ACTUALLY 5.15pm.. i was like… ‘lau eh’… so, went take lunch before heading to his house… talked for some time, then went to the airport again… uncle and wife will be in USA for about a month… they are following the tour, then going to cousin’s convocation.. hope they have a safe journey all the way… GOD bless them

then, went over to BJC to shop for new clothes… managed to buy those clothes that really caught my attention… spent more than RM250 for 4 blouse and 3 pants… aunties were like asking my mum is it that i have bf dee??? GOD..why is everyone asking me this kinda thingy??? reminds me how lonely i have been all these while… sigh… nvm… they said i shouldnt lose so much weight all of a sudden.. i just told them, i will lose SOME MORE… my bro still didnt see yet, i just hope that he wont scream o… hehe… anyway, i realise that..shopping with aunties really can shorten my life.. they were like so duno how to think.. i was kinda pissed off with their actions and words.. they think they ARE ALWAYS rite and everyone is wrong… they only accept their opinion.. others are wrong..SHRUGS to the max.. i thank GOD that my mum isnt like that… she has the brain to think and she TRULY luv us as her children… i just kept quiet most of the time.. and this will be the last time i’m going shopping with them.. no more nex time… i wana make my own decision.. life is much better…

okies…going off.. wana go jogging later… put on so much weight dee.. haha… but didnt really eat those GOOD food yet….hehehe..ouchie.,.. suddenly gastric attack….