Enduring Journey..

it was indeed tough for the past weeks
i learnt so many things
that i could add to my ’survival list’
it seems that life is much easier
when u pretend not to know anything
when u pretend not to bother anything
when u acted as if u are an idiot in everything…

at times i do wonder
why is it certain ppl are so responsible
why is it certain ppl are so committed
why is it certain ppl are so dedicated
why is it certain ppl are so eager to learn
but…
some dun give a damn to anything
some are so irresponsible
some only cares about themselves
some only care and worried about studies
some are too good in acting and pretending…

was it my past experience?
was it my instinct?
was it my over sensitivity…
i am not sure
but
my observation are 90+% correct
i seem to able to know ppl’s true colour
so much ealier than anyone else
i dont tell ppl about it
coz i know its so immature
i could only empathize when they told me
i could understand when they relate to me…

i have been wondering for years
i have been thinking for years
i have been searching for answers
does the ‘buat baik dibalas baik’ still exist???
i NEVER see it…
i NEVER feel it…
i NEVER understand it…
i NEVER know it…
we can be so nice to ppl
we can be so helpful to others
we can sacrifice for others
we can care for others
we can be there for others
we can do anything for them…
but…
will they care for us… urm..hardly
will they sacrifice for us…NEVER
will they help us… in ur dreams..
will they do anything for us..pray hard…
will they be there for us… pray harder…

i have been so patient all these while
i have been trying so hard to ‘give and take’
i have been trying to forgive thou it was so tough
i have been so sad and depressed
i have been so stressed and pressured
i tend to lose my temper damn easily the past few days
my group members saw the changes
they darent bother me…
they were pretty careful with their words
as i warned them of my tensionness
but some ppl still pissed me off with their attitude
they thought they are the only ppl having test and exam
they thought they dun have to do anything
coz they dont know anything…
and i exploded after keeping so long…
it wasnt his fault that i was so tensed
he was so unlucky to disturb my things
he was unfortunate that i was at the max level…
all hell broke loose and i screamed and shouted…
quite a number of ppl were shocked to see my reaction
i dont mean to be like that…
i felt bad… i know i should have controlled
but i really couldnt take it anymore that day…
poor guy…to be my ‘victim’ for that day..
he is someone i caredand treasure as my lil bro in uni…
he should have realised my mood but he didnt…
i have no rights to ask for forgiveness
i know and realise my weaknessses and mistakes…
i will try to patch things up then… sigh…

the presentation was…urm..duno how to put in words
i think i presented so badly and disappoint everyone
and the lecturer really tembak till our bodies berlubang2..
they were mean…. they were sharp with their words…
but im so proud of Guang…
he managed to defend us
he managed to shut the ‘respected’ prof
he could be sarcastic as well.. bravo:)
he managed to produce the best discussion
he managed to come up with so many ideas and solutions
i think we will just drown if not for him…
THANK YOU SO MUCHIE…

about one week plus to the final exam…
im so worried and scared
there are so many things to cover and memorize
im so worried that i’ll disappoint myself again
im so worried something will go wrong again
im just so paranoid of so many things…
i just hope i can survive and glide through
GOD, please guide me through
please give me the strength to be strong
please show me the way….

another month to go back to pg…
it will be a very short break..less than 2 weeks…
i hope to meet up with those i havent met for years
i hope those who promised will keep to their words
i hope no more PPKs this time…
take care to all my buddies all around the world
all da best to u all…
miss and luv you all lots…
muax  and huggies…
see ya all soon..

the pain is indeed horrid
how could this be happening to me
how could life be so cruel
how could life be so tough
why cant i just get some hope
why cant i just get some peace
why cant i just get some happiness…

i was really looking forward to the sem break
i was really looking forward to meet ppl so precious to me
i was really looking forward to meet ppl so dear to me
i was really looking forward to meet someone important to me
but…
my heart really smashed to pieces when i got the msg
i wont be able to meet the important person…
i wont be able to meet someone who has been giving hope
someone who has been inspiring me
someone who has been motivating me
someone who has been praying for my well being
and certainly someone who NEVER gives up on me
when i am doubtful about myself…

plus the statistic analysis is driving me nuts..

i wasnt like that previously

i feel so pressured and stressed this time

the result werent that encouraging and i fear

i fear that i’ll disappoint my group

i fear that history will repeat

i fear that we wont get the result that we want…

its indeed tough…its indeed challenging

and when everything is happening at one shot…

its really very tough for me to carry on…

i dont hope to have such a holiday
i dont wish to suffer the pain again
i dont wish this to happen
but why is this happening?????
i fear i wont get to meet that person anymore
i fear i wont have the chance anymore
my strength is so weak
tears finally roll down and still rolling down

my heart has been smashed and it wont heal…
no one can ever console or stop me
no one can ever feel the pain in me
no one can understand this loneliness that i have been thru
no one can be me….

is it really a sign?
or is it just me over worrying?
what Guang said yesterday morning
really strikes me hard…
i NEVER thought of that…
i NEVER feel that coming…
is it true or is it just a speculation…
i was telling him of the certain CF ppl
who keeps coming to me…
who keeps asking me of my believe
who keeps questioning me about my trust to GOD
i DO and will FOREVA believe in GOD
i DO pray hard and harder as the days go by
i DO believe the existence of GOD
i DO believe that GOD hears my prayers
but…
when Guang mentioned that it was probably a sign
a sign that show how much GOD cares about me
a sign that actually ‘ask’ me to pay more attention
a sign that was actually indirectly asking me
to believe and trust GOD in a ‘proper way’
i really do question myself
i was really taken aback
as i didnt really thought of that all these while
i had came across this ‘issues’ for a couple of times
and my answers still remain the same
i am okay with who i am right now
i am fine with the kind of believe that i have
i am  sure of the trust and believe i have for GOD…

i still remember vividly what i told Marv,
if i ever do change my mind
if i ever do feel that i wana know GOD better
i will definitely consult him…
i really hope that there are no pressure
coz it really pissed me off when they keep coming
i dont like to be ‘forced’
i will choose my own path…

if u dun luv urself
no one will ever love u
that’s what ppl always say…
i dont know how true it is
though i may have love u more than myself
torturing urself isnt the way to overcome ur pain
i went thru that more than u you do
and trust me,i suffered even more

y should u hurt urself?
y should u waste ur energy?
y should u waste ur tears?
y should u torture urself?
y should u cause more pain?
y should u "kill" urself?
y should u hurt those who TRULY luv u?
y should u make them worry about u?
y should u make them suffer with u?

life stinks… life sux… life suffocates
i mentioned that lots of times…
it isnt easy to forget
it isnt easy to forgive
it isnt easy to stand up
BUT…
life goes on… life has to go on
i still carry on… i still move on…. i still stay strong
i thought u are stronger that i am
i thought u could handle this better
i thought u have learnt those ‘lessons’
i thought u are more mature now.
i guess i am wrong…..

it takes time for the wound to heal
it takes time for the pain to subside
how long it takes… it depends on u..
dont think too much
dont think too far
dun force urself to forgive
but try to forget…
always remember….
i’m always by urside
i’m always supporting u
i’m always praying for u
i do care for u
i do treasure u..
and of course… i TRULY love u.

<tears in heaven>

Please forgive what I said
all my words I regret
hope you never ever let go
now I know I needed you so
Tears are drowning my heart
I need you to
tell me tell me baby……

Could you ever love me again
if I say that I’m sorry
could you ever hold me
the way we used to hold each other
would you ever trust me same
if I say that I’m sorry
could you ever love me again

I softly whisper your name
dont wanna burn out the flame
I never ever doubted my mind
when there’s a mountain to climb

You got the words in your heart
I need you to
tell me tell me baby……

Could you ever love me again
if I say that I’m sorry
could you ever hold me
the way we used to hold each other
would you ever trust me same
if I say that I’m sorry
could you ever love me again

I want you close
closer than close
could you ever love me again

i seem to last this part which i posted last week.. wonder wat happened… so..posting again..

the past few weeks
were the horrid ones for me this year
my breathing was so bad
till i almost gave up and stop
then i was infected with a so-called viral fever
i was shivering badly and then i was so warm
it was an on off situation
one moment i was ok, the next i almost collapsed
at that time
i really thought i wont be able to continue
i thought life would really end
it was indeed so suffering and tormenting
only GOD knows how much i have prayed
not for my recovery though
but for those i love and treasure
so that they will be blessed abundantly…

i informed those i truly care and treasure
i informed those i thought would care
but
only 2 ppl actually replied…
only 2 ppl who TRULY care
only 2 ppl who REALLY bother
where are the rest?
where are the ones that i luv?
where are the ones that said they do luv me?
where are the ones that i care so much?
where are the ones that said they do care?
i was hurt.. deeply hurt… truly hurt
i actually cried..thinking and wondering..
will i be alone is something did happened..???
will i be suffering silently again???
will i suffocate to my last breath???
please stop lieing to me…
please stop all the empty promises…
please stop all the sweet words…
please stop all the false hopes…
please stop torturing me…
please stop treating me as if im dead…

at that time as well
i did something that i didnt expect i would do
i’ve seen how things have changed
i’ve kept the feelings for so long
i’ve went through so many heartbreaks
i’ve endured so much pain
i FINALLY told the ‘person’ of the TRUTH
the TRUTH that i’m worried i mite wont be able to tell
the TRUTH that i didnt wana regret for not telling
the TRUTH of really luving and missing someone so dearly
so dearly that my heart aches and breaks…

why do i love ‘YOU’?
is there a reason to truly love someone?
YOU werent there for me
YOU werent there when i was in so much pain
YOU didnt know about me for years
YOU didnt care for me like i do
YOU didnt bother about things around me
YOU treated me as if i was invisible
i really couldnt think of any reason… i really couldnt
i just know that…
i still care about ‘YOU’ more than myself
i still pray for ur well being and happiness
i still would sacrifice my time and energy for ‘YOU’
i still would do anything for ‘YOU’
i didnt regret for everything i’ve done for ‘YOU’
i didnt mind doing everthing that does benefit u
coz i realise i still TRULY TRULY LOVE ‘YOU’…

i didnt wana bother u
i didnt wana disturb u
i didnt mean to hurt u
coz i know…
u’ve found ur special someone
u’ve found someone that truly luv u too
u’ve found someone that u truly luv as well
i’m happy for u… i TRULY do
there should be a two way flow in luving someone
there should be the respect that is due
there should be the mutual understanding
there should be the caring attitude
there should be the sense of belonging…

yeah… life is indeed lonely for me…
i’ve went through that for years
and i dont know till how long will that be
i dont really mind… except when i’m so down
i dont really care … except when i’m so depressed
i dont really bother…except when i’m so pressured
and during all those tough moments
they do leave marks, painful marks in me…
they do leave memories, bitter memories in me…
tears are rolling down again…
memories of u will flow in each time i’m low
i know i should be strong
i know i should be firm
but i have feelings too
i wana be loved as well
i wana be cared as well
i wana be understood as well
is it possible that we remain good frens
is it possible that we remain close like we used to
is it possible to live life normal without u..
and again came the question..
how long will i be able to survive?
coz u have taken my heart away…

well, when i jokingly told Aldrin i wanted a choc cake, i didnt expect he would buy me a bday choc cake instead… opppsie… feel so pai seh o… and the most paiseh was, my group members sang the b’day song for me in cafe D and urm, ppl were watching as if i’m so sampat like that… aiks… lau eh… i think at that time, my face was worse than tomato red, just that i didnt see it in front of the mirror… really really really so paiseh… and very touched as well.guang actually said i should cry.. hehe… nah, i wouldnt wana let ppl to see me cry ler… the cake was yummy… and i bet it really burnt a hole in Aldrin’s pocket.. aiks..so guilty ooo… and some of my group members were actually asking why only i got the bday cake and not them when my bday was already over for almost one month while theirs are on the way… aiks… no idea oo… still so pai seh… hmm… thanx a lot to Aldrin and the rest of my group member for this ‘lil celebration’… really appreciate it so much… was it the ’something’ that i have been hoping for??? i do wonder....

hmm..went to sikuati for the second time but this time we only had a short visit…we started our journey at about 7.15am. we stopped by at kota belut for about an hour before continuing our journey to sikuati.some had breakfast, some bought food or ‘buah tangan’ for their family… i was so tired that i just slept in the bus.. i know i shouldnt complain too much but the bus really is so uncomfortable compared to the UMS bus…sigh.. my legs were aching so badly… and i really pity Guang and Aldrin who didnt have seats and had to sit on the bus floor…ouchie… imagine the pain in their butts when the bus moved along the bumpy roads all the way…

when we reached SMK Sikuati, we were accepted by Cikgu Haji… the person who is in-charge of this programme… some of our colleagues still have problems with their family members.. we were quite fortunate that we didnt have any problems though we were actually ‘given’ to another family… it was scorching hot and i could feel the heat so badly… six of us walked to our foster families’ houses and my family was happy to see us again..they thought we would be staying over night but we didnt… there wasnt much to do, so they took us to ‘Pantai Bak-Bak’, another beautiful beach in Kudat… the water is so clear but it was low tide at that time, so couldnt see any fish… we (me and aldrin) actually felt so bad and guilty when they brought us to the Golf Club to have lunch as they are actually fasting… then, our adik angkat, Bibi, couldnt take it anymore as well…she wanted to eat KFC and begging for it so badly… hehe… so cute of her… she’s actually quite disappointed that we didnt over night at their house and i could see that they already prepared our beds waiting for us…ooopss…. we promised to visit them hopefully after our exam that is before i go back to penang… it’s still the raya month, so can still celebrate with them and this time, we will go for at least 2 days 1 nite ler…or else, it wouldnt mean anything much also… my mak angkat said maybe they will take us out for dinner or sumthing when they are in KK during raya…hehe..

for this visit, we didnt really touch on specific issues but more on the current issues happening recently…like the dengue outbreak and we did mentioned to them to becareful… its really scary just thinking about it… im praying hard that everyone is safe and sound back in peninsular… then, they asked about how are we coping in our studies…??? urm..tough..haha…  time was really short and it’s really not a suitable time to visit during fasting month too… aiks… never mind..there’s always a next time and we will make sure that we will have a better visit for the coming one… it’s kinda sad to bid farewell to them…haih… we reached our hostel about 6.30pm +++..we actually buka puasa on the bus and everyone is eating happily… hehe.. but most of us actually wana drop dead dee…so tired and our legs are screaming for mercy… hehe… so..take care everyone.., may GOD bless everyone abundantly…

i dont really know what happened
the past week was terrible
i cant seem to breathe
and its getting worse and worse
it’s so uncomfortable
it’s so painful
it’s so suffocating
it’s so so so tiring….

the constriction of the airway
is getting stronger…
i tried to slow down but to no avail
i tried to breathe slowly but it’s tougher
i tried all means to breathe normally
but nothing helps and the chest pain
is becoming more and more severe….

it is asthma?
it is pulmonary edema?
is it bronchitis?
is it pleurisy?
is it pneumonitis?
is it inflammation to the costal cartilage?
is it angina?
is it due to my weak heart?

there’s really no answer for it…
the doctor couldnt identify the severity of my difficulty
he couldnt simply prescribe any medication for me
he wasnt sure of what was the real cause of the difficulty
was it i overstressed?
was it i overpressured?
was it i worried too much?
was it i lack of sleep and rest?
was it due to the coming test?
but…
that was the pace and steps
i have been going on all these while
i cant seem afford to slow down anymore
there are lots of catching up
there are mountains of things in front of me
there are still lots of commitments…

i dont know how long will i survive
i dont know how long can i last
i dont know how long i can keep my promise
i dont know how long i can stay strong
i dont know how long i can breathe
i dont know how long i can stay alive…
coz…
its really so so so painful….
its really so so so tiring…
is it a sign…???
a sign that i should have expected
a sign that i should have realised
a sign that i dont fear but feel depressed about
i wish i have the answer…
i wish i have the moments to do SOMETHING
there are things i still didnt do…
there are people i need to meet…
there are things i need to say…
there are papers i need to type…
there are still dreams and promises that i didnt fulfill…

GOD…
please guide me through this phase
please forgive me for the things i have done wrong
please bless the people i treasure so much
please bless the people i luv so much
my strength is so weak…
my will power is so low…
my determination is decreasing…
my commitment is degrading…
will i be able to survive?????