Enduring Journey..

it was a tiring week…
having to return to sabah
was one of the toughest part
having to leave ppl i luv so much
is a pain to me..
not getting to meet the ppl i treasure
is yet another pain…
the tears just rolled down
the heart just screamed and ached…

to ppl who still cant seem to be ABLE to reply my smses or msgs,
FORGET it..coz
i realize how TRUE u all are now
stop all the crapping excuses
i wont forget the pain i went thru
i wont forgive the ignorance u all gave me
the pain will remain deep in my already torn heart…

it wont be easy…
to overcome this "torture"…
been trying so hard to stay focus
i succeeded about 70% and still going for 100%
i know i can do it…

i’m having the freaking flu
which tires me down easily
my migrane is coming back to me
which really kills part of my brain cells
it is so painful but…
that’s something i have to endure
my eyes are badly swollen
no thanx to my broken specs …
my neck is still aching after all these years
i could sense something wasnt rite…
yet, i fear to know the truth…..

talking to yih yang the other day
i was so thankful…
so glad that most ppl know the ‘truth’
the ‘truth’ behind the rumours and acting
the ‘truth’ of the freaking FAKERS in AIMST
which affected me emotionally and mentally
which made me hate the place more and more
which changed me to the cruelest person that i ever know…
freaking fakers…
its time ppl know who u are
the innocent act and pretending wont last foreva
thanx for torturing me
thanx for killing me with ur actings and words
thanx for making ppl hate me for things i didnt do
thanx for spreading rumours that wasnt true
thanx for accusing me for things i didnt do as well…
coz..
i became stronger and wiser
i became more alert and aware
i became more mature
i was able to cope the silliness of ur acts….

to jong huei,
it is a previlege to know u…
u are one of the few TRUE frens that i found in AIMST
u are someone that i will treasure foreva as well
i truly apprecicate the little things u do and say
thanx for the motivation and spirit
thanx for the support and advices
thanx for the care and kindness
i know i left without a proper goodbye
i wish there will be the time
i can really talk to u
i can really share with u my experiences
i can really get to know u better
but…
i cant promise..
i cant assure u of the time…
i promise to meet up with u…
and i will fulfill that promise…

i wish there are more time for me
24 hours per day isnt enough
there are so many things to do
there are so many things to study and memorize
trying to get back my ‘piah till i die’ stamina
its coming back to me..almost 85% dee…
with a harder strength
i should be able to gain back my composure
to be back to the REAL me

to my dear colleagues
im sorry if u ppl see the changes in me
im sorry if i cant seem to smile
im sorry if i do look moody
im sorry if i tend to look blur
im sorry if i seem to be mad
im sorry if i hurt u all indirectly
i dont mean it…

its been nearly a week since i came back to sabah… its really so stressing… and im really having so much problem in sleeping once i came back to the hostel… my eyes are swollen to the max and my migranes are really attacking me like anything.. i wish there are better ways for me to handle this problem..but then, its actually my problem i guess… my ears are way too sensitive..i cant seem to able to cope with it… and i cant adjust to it since i went to AIMST as well….haih.. plus there are more and more things to handle nowadays… and really have to piah till i die dee.. i’m trying to build up the stamina and hardcore i used to have in form 6.. so far still okies.. but i think i need to go more… no more entertainment..as if i have one…maybe mus cut down on my internet time dee.. but then there are so many things to search from the net bah.aiyo… stresss…

and really missing home so much..especially when i need SLEEP…. haih… have to tolerate for another 2months plus…. sigh…. and start to miss so many ppl again… i wish to push these feelings away..FAR away… i need to focus and i’m not playing anymore… to those who have been ignoring me like anything, u ppl really hurt me to the max…. but i dun understand y i still luv and treasure u all… stupidity should be the best answer…. okies… wana chao dee.. wont be updating..so soon… hehe..unless something really bothers me…

well…two weeks passed just like that… i didnt have enough… i will NEVER be enough… having to leave on my 21st bday is the tormenting moment… didnt really get to celebrate with my other frens except my primary classmates who are pretty close to me… i start to miss everyone dee especially my parents and bro… i dont know how to decribe the feelings inside me… nevertheless i did enjoy my 2 days plus in puchong/kl with my bro and his gf … i took an early bus on firday morning and my parents sent me off.. the previous nite, dad actually cried..making me so uncomfy… i’m sorry…. when i reached, bro took me to eat the best ‘duck rice’ ..okies loh… then, at nite, take away pizza… it was so yummy..with all the cheese… really gained kilos dee ler… haha….we went to aquaria on saturday but we werent really satisfied with the visit though. it wasnt as great or wonderful as we expect it to be..the fish tanks are kinda empty and not as beautiful as the one we went in langkawi.. hiaya.kinda wasted our hardcore money ler… dah lah we are on tight budget… hehe..still owe my bro the entrance fee… then, we went over to Towers Record… we didnt know Mel C would be coming for the autograph session…so, we waited and snap sum photos before moving we take the monorial back to kelana jaya as bro park his car there… after that, we went over to midvalley as we dee made reservation for the BBQ buffet dinner at Cititel as to celebrate my bday…. eat as much as we can but i think we are losing our stamina and partly we were TOO hungry till we cant eat that much anymore… it was a great dinner before i came back to KK…. then, bor decided to go over to Carrefour,,over there, the Top 11/12 of the Finalist were there to meet the fans and have the autograph session as well…WOW..2 events in a day… bravo for us…kuakua… then, we went back and slumber lah after downloading the photos and stuff…but i still manage to watch initial d..hehe…..so tired dee..then sun morning, so reluctant to wake up… it’s time to pack and head back to KK in which life in hell will resume… no more peaceful sleep..no more relaxation..its time to buck up and work damn hard… no longer can procrastinate my work and really have to piah hard de…hehe…so… see ya to those that i didnt get to meet… all da best in watever u are doing… thanx to those who remembered my bday… appreciate it very much…. gosh..better get going before tears roll down… sadsad…
got my medical results…and i failed by 1.8…pathetic ler… sia sui nia…

at times i wonder
why i feel so lonely
when i do have certain frens around me
when i do have someone to talk to
i cant seem to find the answers
i cant seem to understand the feelings
i cant seem to know what is inside me

at times
i do wana hear from someone so much
till my heart bleads to the last drop
but alas,
the person NEVER knows
the person NEVER understands
the person NEVER cares
the person NEVER bothers
and it’s myself that suffers to the end…

at times
i do question myself
of the purpose i’m here
to care
to love
to share
to treasure
to appreciate
but i never see these coming back to me

at times
i ask myself
whether did i do the right thing
whether did i move the correct path
whether did i believe in myself…..

bubyes.. penang…bubyes my home sweet home…bubyes my dear chao chao…bubyes my dear biggy pooh… bubyes to everyone that i didnt get to meet… sorry for not that… my apologies to those that i promise to meet but didnt have the time to do so… there are so many things that i had to complete… but then, i didnt know what did i do also… stupiak…. eat and sleep was the most important things i did… having to sleep on my already penyek mattress and hugging tight to my chaochao is so much better compared to the bed in my hostel, which have one type of mattress smell… and the noises of ppl, the doors that wake me up everytime someone is up… i didnt really  sleep when i was in the hostel..except those times when no one was in the room except me… man, a few more hours with chaochao…kenot take it… hehe..im bringing the puppy justin gave me… hehe… kesian the puppy..like hamchimpeng in my luggage edee…and i think i gonna kena extra charges dee..so many things and my check-in luggage dee overweight with my books… ooopppssssssssss….

will be leaving for kl in less than 6 hours time… still dun wana sleep..coz i have to settle my ssm photos first… hehe.. okies..better start my work… see ya to my colleagues in UMS and bubyes to the rest… may GOD bless everyone… gonna miss everything and everyone again … till then… will be back in december…

hmm… wondering whether my efforts of carrying more than 10 kg of my books is worthwhile… hardly have the time to study also..there are so many things ‘prepared’ for me..having to do this and that.. i cant seem to say no to my parents or relatives… i’m trying to slot every single second that i have to study… i still didnt settle my reports… dont really know how to do and it seems everyone doesnt really care like that…haih… quite glad that i managed to finish sum of my work..i have barely 4 days in pg..there are still so many things that i have to do… arhhhhhhhhh…  i just wish i have more time…

well, kinda unexpected to know that certain ppl arent really happy in their relationships… i guess i shud take precaution and NEVER judge them by their looks, photos or what so ever… each time when i know that my frens have someone by their side,im truly happy for them and pray hard that GOD will bless them always..when i thought they would actually share their happiness with me, instead, they shared with me the obstacles and challenges their are facing in their relationships till they are doubtful whether did they make the right move in the first place… i’m no expert in this but i guess the things i observed might help them a little…

to love sumone
isnt a easy job or task
we dont simply luv any Tom, Dick or Harry
instead we treasure and luv those that mean a lot to us
especially the special someone that no one ever replaces
when we truly luv someone
we dont really judge from their appearance
we dont really care about their age
we dont really bother what bad points ppl said
instead,
we judge them from their hearts
we judge them from their actions
we long to hear from them every second
we care for them more than ourselves
we dont mind sacrificing for them
we dont mind sharing the burden
we dont mind doing anything for them
we dont mind being hurt as long as they are happy
we dont mind sheding the tears of pain…

but at times
we question our actions
we question our thoughs
we question our strength
are we serious in the relationship
are we committed to one another
are we true to each other
do we trust one another
they are open-ended questions
with no right or wrong answers…
just be strong
just be firm
just be yourself
coz no one should change u…

okies…my head very blur dee… slept at 5am last nite..talked to darren till 4am… pengsan man… if he didnt dozed half way, i think i wont sleep until this morning dee… glad that he called instead of being so depressed… really hope he felt better after talking loh…or else my communication skills really flop dee.. practising those things that i’ve learnt indirectly ler…. my heart very uncomfy to hear part of his probs..just hope that GOD will guide him thru all his obstacles… okies..gtg…still have my 2nd report to complete…

Loneliness We all get lonely once in a while Inside we’re depressed and try to smile. A smile don’t work, depression gets worse The idea of being lonely we try to nurse. When it gets so bad we can’t think any more We should think of the things we truly adore. Good times are there in the past of our lives Whether it’s with brothers, sisters, husbands or wives If we have none of them just think of a friend Remember a good thought, let happiness begin. Remember we’ve had joyous times in our past so the potential of happiness is plentiful in our present or future. If we have to grab a memory from our past to make us happy, at least it’s something. Trust in yourself. Your perceptions are often more accurate than you are willing to believe. ~Black, Claudia~ Life is short and we have never too much time for gladdening the hearts of those who are traveling the dark journey with us. Oh be swift to love, make haste to be kind ~Amiel, Henri Frederick~ i’ve been going thru all the mails, journals and poems that i’ve typed and posted … i’ve been reading thru the poems that have inspired me all the way… but i cant seem to get the answers that i’ve been searching even after so many years… i’m doubting myself of my presence in this world… though it is a new beginning and journey for me, there’s still a long way to go.. it might have been a path not taken by any one that i know before… proud isnt the word that i would say but glad and blessed are better to me… i still believe that everything happens for a reason… so is the obstacles that i have to go thru before going to sabah… it also a some new experiences for me… having to travel ‘quite’ far, REALLY missing home and penang’s food, starve myself every nite, going to different places, expossure to the community in sabah, feeling empathy not sympathy, no freedom…and changing my attitude… i’ve changed compared to last time… but still…hmm..really dont know how to say… there’s something that i’m yet to know or find about myself………..

after a super tiring but exciting yesterday at Karambunai for our medic family day, my whole body is aching so badly… so semangat during the tarik tali but today, i cant even leave my hand..lau eh.. so painful…even my hamstring is pulling so badly… ouchie..duno how many days only can recover ler… i’m darker and darker dee… woke up at 7am this morning… the taxi came before 8am, and the uncle is so nice..carried my luggage for me…gosh, it was 13.1kg..haha… my flight from KK was 9.55am but i was there before 8.40am..so waited bodoh-bodoh at the airport all by myself..what to do ler…i wan the morning flight mah and i’m the only one flying with air asia at that time… the best part was when we are allowed to board the plane… kinda degraded loh..coz KKIA has two terminal, terminal 1 for MAS and terminal 2 for Air Asia…in the terminal 2, passengers have to climb up to the plane lah… then, everyone was competing to get into the plane first coz its free seating mah… i also followed the crowd ler..carrying a back pack is so much easier… hehe… so managed to get seat on the second row..not too bad ler.. at first, i was a bit worried coz many ppl have been complaining that the seats in air asia is not that comfy but to me, its okay ler… almost the same as MAS bah… they do sell food inside the plane but urm… faham-faham ler…so expensive..so, diet ler and smell the food from the people sitting beside me… wanted to sleep but just couldnt…cant wait to go home kua… haha.. there wasnt any delay, so reached KLIA on time at 12.30pm… took the KLIA transit as bro was waiting for me at the putrajaya/cyberjaya terminal… after taking lunch, i handed my ‘husband’@laptop to bro… so sad ler.. bro said sumthing wrong with the system..maybe have to masuk ‘hospital’ dee… aiks… hopefully it’s ready and ok for me to take back to KK..or else i’ll really die without my own laptop… pray hard….

then, went over to pudu and took the 3.30pm bus back to penang, my dearest hometown… tried again to sleep but unsuccessful…aiks… the bus reached penang around 7.45pm and justin was waiting for me dee… hehe…so paiseh ler… THANX A LOT my dearest fren… i will treat him ‘tai chan’ before i go back to KK… i’m so happy to be back..and gosh, my neighbour couldnt recognize me and thought i was searching for my family member…adui…haha…then. so happy to see dad…. he like keeps complaining that i lose wieght ler..my face so sharp ler..and ask what i eat everyday ler.. hahaha….adui… lets just see how fat i’ll become when i return to KK on my b’day… hahaha…there are lots of things to do tmr… wana go temple, then gona shop for the things i need for my neuron model… i hope it works ler… hahahaha…. see ya to everyone in penang… gona eat non-stop…so, plz excuse me if u all see a greedy pig roaming around pg this 2 weeks.. muahahahahahahahahahaha……………….

sometimes,
it’s easier not to know anything
it’s easier to pretend not to know anything
it’s easier to remain anonymous
it’s easier to remain deaf and dumb
it’s easier to be blind
it’s easier to be free of problems
Nevertheless,
no matter how hard i try
no matter how strong i tried to be
no matter how tough i tried to be
i could NEVER do that
i could NEVER not to know anything
i could NEVER pretend to know nothing
i could NEVER leave those i love so much
i could NEVER dump those i care so much
i could NEVER stop worrying about them
i could NEVER stop treasuring them
i could NEVER stop loving them…
i’m sorry for not caring that much
i’m sorry for not calling
i’m sorry for not be able to be there for u..
i’m sorry for not keeping my promise
i’m sorry for disappointing u
i’m sorry for everything…….

hiah… my mood have been destroyed…my ‘husband’@ my laptop went wrong and most probably is infected with virus or worms like what my bro mentioned.. as the system went kiaos after i inserted my room mate’s pen drive…so disappointed, sad and really duno what to say ler.. like really no mood dee.. so many things that i wana do and it’s all inside my laptop… my photos and everything as well..walau eh.. really duno how to describe the feeling…  really hope it could be repaired or else i’ll die… my parents wil kill me dee..my bro de scolded me cukup cukup… felt so stupid ler… haih… i feel like dieing dee… arhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh