Enduring Journey..

it was such a mad day… i really feel like collapsing…duno how long can i stand sum more..the uni prep is really killing me and draining me to the last drop… barely 5days  is one hell to me having to do so many things .. i dont think i even have the time to say goodbye to anyone..aiks… sorry… my family also cancelled the farewell dinner due to some reasons…haih…

went to temples to pray… and then to school to get my things certified… most are my juniors except me ler..sesat like anything..even the teacher is reluctant to certified for me… haih… then went to talk to ms.yeoh. ms neoh and mr.khor before i went back home… they are truly happy for me and hope that i’ll study hard for this course.. i promise i will strive to my very last energy..

after that, went back home and barely 30 minutes, out again and this time went over to st.anne to pray and then drove all the way to sp… went over to AIMST to settle my things and met dr.xavier as he represented prof.ho to sign my documents… he is happy to hear the news and asked me to strive hard and wish me all the best… thank you sir… then, wanted to look for dr.hisham(my mentor)but didnt see him… didnt know that he’s in the centre for matriculation….aiks..sorry sir…on the way to my car, met dr.xavier again and he was with dr.sudhakaran.. eventually dr.sudha also knew that i’m leaving AIMST for UMS..he also wished me all the best and hope that i will work hard as well.. i promise i will..thank you sir too… gonna work hard and will keep my promise….

then while clearing my things in AIMST, sanuzi took the trouble to come to blm and find me…aiks… very touched ler… gonna miss him too.. one of my very few close frens in AIMST… talked to him for sometime and he knew that i’m very bz..sorry for that, fren… unfortunately, my things are like so a lot… it seems that my parents will have to clear my other half of things… by the time we leave blm, it was already nearly 8pm… i drove all the way back as i know my parents are dead tired helping around this week.. i’m really sorry for all the trouble…bid my farewell to my room, my blm house and to kedah… to my AIMST frens, sorry for not being able to meet u all and leave in such a hurry… i will visit u all when i come back the next time, only GOD knows when..thanx to all that have helped me all the way and thanx also to those who have caused me more pain and miseries as the tormenting period i went thru made me more mature and stronger… take care  and all da best to u all too

okies..heading to bed before i faint… still a  lot of things to do… so happy that bro is coming back tomorrow just to send me off and to ‘look after’ dad for this weekend… gona miss my family so much… dont even know when will see them again… maybe will come back during one of the break… start saving dee…

went for my medical check-up this morning..there was a bunch of UMS students all going for the medical check-up as well…but the officer actually shooed all of us away and asked us to go to private clinics and later go to any government clinics to be endorsed by the doctors… haih… really so troublesome…so, rushed off to Aman to do my medical check-up..the doctor and helpers were kind enough to help me with the report and they are rushing the lab to hand me the report ASAP… thank u…

then, went over to cut my hair as i dont know when will i get to cut my hair dee… plus there are lots of split ends dee…the hairdresser really cut it kinda short… haih…

just now had a big fright again… dad suddenly complained of back pain…he really turned white and it was quite fortunate that i asked him to go straight to the clinic instead of going back home after our dinner..he couldnt eat dee due to the pain… again to clinic Aman…while in the clinic, his pain worsen and the assistant was good enough to allow him to see the doctor immediately.. i was so worried that i sent a msg to my bro.. then, the doctor did some urine test and discovered traces of blood in dad’s urine…this means there is stone in his kidney and the stone is stuck somewhere in the artery or something…the doc quickily give him injection to lessen his pain and another to dissolve the stone…between minutes, dad is ok dee but there’s still sum pain…sigh… really so worried like anything…with me flying to sabah this satuday, it’s really tough especially when i’m very close to my family members… how am i not suppose to worry when it’s their lives that’re in danger??? i’m so sorry for my bro too for making him panicked and scare the hell out of him..but if i didnt tell him, he’s gona kill me… i guess family is our top priority…my bro even wana rush back tmr… ooopss… but my parents manage to stop him…i’m trying to be strong but tears eventually rolled down when i think what will happen to my parents if anything does happen to them (really touch wood) with me going so far??? my bro is not it pg as well… haih…
GOD
please ‘look after’ my parents…
please bless them so that they will be healthy always…
please bless them so that they will be happy always
i’m sorry for not being able to fulfill my duty as a daughter when i’m not around
i promise to care for them when i’m around with them…
please guide me to be strong…
please guide me through my obstacles..

it was such a hectic day..and will be a hectic week…four more days before i leave for sabah…so many things to do… got my offer letter today and FINALLY managed to get an economy class flight to KK… thank you to the officer -in-charge who is so kind to get me a place, if not my parents will have to fork out another extra RM228 for the business class…the ticket is pretty costly, RM579..man, duno i can go to kl how many times dee…aiks…really sakit hati ler… so, i think i’ll come back only once a year ler… gonna miss so many ppl especially my family and so many things especially my pooh family…aiks…kenot think too much dee… prepare well… have to be more independent and strong dee… just hope my past experiences will help me somehow… i’m so sorry for being such a idiot in front of my dad yesterday.. i dont mean it.. i’m very sorry, pa…

my relatives are starting to call to say their farewell and they are going to do a farewell dinner for me either on weds or thurs… i do hope that i will get to meet my frens before i leave as i dont know when will i be able to meet them again… gonna miss my frens especially my housemates in AIMST..thanx to u all for the wonderful well wishes…i’ll never forget u ppl… thanx to those who are helping me all the way… truly appreciate everything that u ppl did and still doing for me… thanx a lot…

will be going for my medical check-up tmr and settle my things in AIMST the following day… then, will start to pack everything dee… will drop by at sch before i leave too… aiks… so many things to do…

is it a rite choice?
or is it a wrong choice?
it’s been my dream to study medic,
it’s been the motivation that push me to strive hard,
it’s been the hope that i’m still keeping alive,
NOW..,
when i have the second chance,
i am sure i wana go for it
i dont really feel excited
i dont really feel sad
i dont know how i feel actually…
it came so sudden…
yet, i could sense it when i reapply…
my family, relatives and frens
are giving their fullest support
they knew that’s what i wanted to do all these while
though they knew it might be a ‘lil’ too far for me
but then, they still encourage me to go,
a brand new place,
a brand new environment,
a brand new experience…
it’s time i learn to be independent
it’s time i learn to REALLY fend for myself
it’s time i learn to be more mature
it’s time i wake up from my dreamland
it’s time i look forward for a brand new life…
GOD,
thank you for giving me this second chance
i’m not gonna miss this opportunity
i’m not gonna give up no matter how tough life will be
i’m gonna do my best and keep my promise to YOU
i’ll strive harder for the people i love and treasure…
please guide me through…
please help be to be strong and tough…

well..my heart really cant stand the ‘chikekness’ with so many things happening in one week. my uni result is out…i was so tired and my eyes were popping out last nite but i wasnt ‘allowed’ to sleep late or peacefully..msges keep coming in and so i decided to wake up and check..FINALLY decided to call after the online thingy was so stupiak. .this time i’m offered medic in UMS… should be going dee as it has always been my dream.not gona let go of this opportunity.. my parents, bro, relatives and friends are giving their fullest support… so, i dont think i’m gona give up no matter how tough life will be..it’s my second chance and i’m not gona miss it.. now, i’m waiting for the offer letter and there will be lots of things to do dee… have to settle my AIMST and PTPTN thingy…plus my rented house in SP… gonna miss my housemates…they are kinda reluctant to let me go, kinda very close to them dee, plus we have so many things that we wana do together… so sorry to leave them like that..aiks..plus gona miss certain ppl whom i didnt get to meet..hope to catch up with everyone before i leave..man, first time sitting on the aeroplane…sampat like that..hehe… THANK GOD for blessing me and giving me this opportunity…may GOD guide me through… gonna miss my pooh family…haih…only can take the one given by ‘cikgu lobak’@karen..coz it’s the smallest… hehe… hope the hostel got server ler, though i heard it’s kinda urm.. teruk condition… aiks.. pray for the best ler and prepare for the worst dee…

yikes..dad just mentioned the news said there mite be something wrong to those who applied using the 2003 result….. hiah…just hope not another major disappointment..why is it so shitting???..

well… the second impact of my life happened today… justin sent me a sms in the evening informing that his dad passed away this afternoon… my whole heart shattered into pieces once i got the news and tears just rolled down… i could no longer control my emotion… my heart goes all out for him… i felt so helpless… i dont really know what i should do… i cant possibly understand the pain he is going thru and i cant imagine that… when he told me about how his dad’s health is deteriorating since last month, i didnt expect that he would face this ’situation’ so soon.. it was only the other day that he mentioned how happy and touched he was to hold his dad and hug him… i thought they would have better times together, instead that was like the last time he ever hug his dad… it was only two days ago that he asks me to be strong as i’m like his pillar to be strong… but how can i possibly be strong to face two funerals in barely one week and both involve ppl i treasure and luv so dearly… my mum knows that i’m very down coz i just couldnt control my tears anymore… she even mentioned that i should visit justin’s dad one of these days, after my uncle’s ‘7th day ceremony’…  but now i will not have the chance anymore… haih…
i just hope our ex-primary/secondary class/schoolmates will ‘attend’ the funeral or make a visit to his place and give him their moral support… i’ve tried my best to inform others and it depends on them whether to attend it or not… only a minority responded… i dont know what else i could do for him… i’m so sorry to bother dinesh but i really feel so guilty if i dont inform him… GOD, please guide me thru… tell me what i should do??? i’m really so weak…. i cant breathe….

when i first knew about my 6 weeks break,
i jumped for joy and was so happy,
i have lots of plans for the long break,
i have lots of things to do for the long break,
i said i should enjoy to the maximum,
as the new sem will be ‘life in hell’ again…
ALAS,
things didnt go on smoothly,
is it a ’sign’ to allow me to be with my family and frens?
first was my uncle who passed away,
second was my very good fren’s dad who passed away,
how could i carry on with my holidays?
how could i possibly enjoy myself?
how could i possibly smile when my heart is grieving?
how could i leave them alone when they are so down?
how could i leave them alone when they need me?
i dont have the heart to see them suffer silently…
i dont have the heart to see them hiding their pain…
i dont have the heart to see them alone to go thru this obstacles…
i wish i could be strong for them,
i wish i could be tough for them,
i wish i could do more for them,
GOD,
please guide us thru…
please help us to be strong…

hmm… i really dont know what to do but to continue praying hard for everyone…family, relatives, frens..frens’ frens, frens’ families, frens’ relatives… i felt so helpless… i felt so useless… i cant do much but try hard to be with them… i know i need to be strong for them, i care about them more than myself… they are people i treasure and love so dearly… they might dont need me but i’m always by their side supporting them during their hardest and painful moment… i hate fair weather frens, they are nuisance… to me, u only know who are u true frens when u are going thru ur most difficult moment…some people tend to hide themselves when they know others are having problems…to these kind of people, they are too selfish and they dont deserve to be in this world at all… as human, we should always help one another when they need us… even if they dont need us, our presence will make them feel much better… is it too much to sacrifice a little for people we love??? NEVER… mum’s condition isnt too good..it will take time for her to ‘recover’ and get over the pain in her… she couldnt sleep though she’s so tired..she said her brain is still so confused and stressed over everything… i’m trying my best to console and comfort her… changing her perspective, trying to reason with her, make her feel better, cheer her up and make her realise that i’m always by her side… besides, i think i should cancel my holiday plans… i cant possibly be enjoying myself when things are so tough for people around me…. it is time for me to be with them even though i’m always by their side…after talking to justin last nite, i realised i should remain in pg too…just in case things arent going to be good on his part… i understand the fear and pain he is going thru… just wish i could do more instead of praying for them…. why is it that suddenly everything is happening??? haih… life is so unpredictable… GOD , please bless the people i know, love and treasure abundantly… please guide us thru… please help us to be strong…

it was a tough weekend…
we didnt expect  it would happened that fast
it caught us by surprise
it came as if lighting strike on us
it was barely a week since u smiled at me
it was barely a week since u said i’m ‘good’
it was barely a week since i last saw u
it really happened too fast that none of us are prepared for it…

u might have been sick for more than 18 years…
u might have been weak and slow in ur movement…
u might have been so depressed over things
that had happened in ur life…
we cant fully understand the pain u went thru
we cant fully feel the sufferings u endured
we cant fully be there for u…
but…
u were and will remain in our minds
u were and will always remain in our hearts
we could still remember the little things u did for us
we could still remember how u loved us even though u didnt show it
we will never ever forget about it…

we couldnt really do much for u
but to pray hard that GOD will guide u thru in the ‘new world’ of yours
we pray that u will not suffer anymore for ur new life
we pray that u will be a better person in ur new life
it’s hard for us to bid u goodbye…
no matter how much tears we shed
it will never replace the pain inside us
it will never replace the mark on our hearts
it will never replace all the things we went thru when u were with us…
may u rest in peace in heaven…….

well…things are really unpredictable… it was really a tough weekend for my family… we didnt expect things would be like this… 4th uncle ‘left’ us peacefully on friday… i was too stunned to do anything…my heart felt so painful that i cant breathe… my mum broke down immediately after i conveyed the news to her… she has been taking care of him occasionally.., i knew how she felt… coz each time she visited him, i would follow until recently when i wasnt feeling well… it was only on sunday that i saw him and he was staring directly at me, trying to tell me something… but i was so stupid to understand the ’signals and signs’..haih… things were kinda havoc on fri but thank GOD that things were kinda better when my cousins returned from kl which includes my brother..or else, i would actually go nuts… i was feeling so helpless and useless… my parents cried so much that i didnt know what i should do… when my bro called me to ask what really happened, i was so down that i nearly broke down..he realised that and asked me to be strong for my parents and wait for his return…. i tried by every means to control my tears, but i couldnt..it rolled down eventually… that the whole weekend, we barely sleep as we need to be take turns to take care of the josssticks and candles… we didnt complain as that’s the very last few things we could do for him… we even tried our best to follow the ‘chanting and blessing ceremony’ even though we know we cant really follow… the last day was the  worst and painful day for all of us… we could no longer control our emotions and all of  us broke down.. it was too bitter… we could only pray hard that things would be better for him in his next life… we hope that ‘this’ would end the pain he had been going thru for so long… really hope that he will RIP in heaven….

it was indeed tough for me….. i’m worried about my parents and i know i cant do much for them but to be there for them as i know they will need me… it’s really like so ‘lucky’ that ‘this’ happened during my break…i can fetch my mum and aunts around to settle things.. i do believe that things happened for a reason… i mite have to cancel my holiday plans as i dont have the heart to leave my parents alone in pg while i enjoy myself… i cant possibly do it… i needed a hug so badly that i nearly hug EQ when he came and talked to me just now… aiks… i dont wana create any misunderstanding anymore with him… and when justin told me about his dad’s condition and what happened when he visited his dad, my heart goes all out for him..  it could be a ’sign’ .. i understand the ‘fear’ he’s feeling… i really dont wish the same thing will happen to his dad… i really hope that he will allow me to help or be there for him.. i dont want him to suffer all this alone… i dont want him to endure this pain alone… GOD, please guide him thru this obstacles…please help him to be strong and tough… please bless his family… please bless my family as well..help them to be strong too…

well… i dont really what happened to me these few days… i’m like a zombee walking or maybe i should say floating around… i’ve been fetching my mum around… that’s the only thing i could help her to solve her ‘prob’… my heart cries for her when i see how down and pressured she is… i dont have the heart to share my probs with her..or maybe i did blurted out indirectly that day…aiks..that’s a HUGE mistake… i dont want to burden her when she’s already so stressed up…so, hopefully, she didnt pay attention to what i mumbled the other day…

the other day, i was shocked to see the buletin posted by louis when he mentioned that he’s going somewhere far… i was so worried as i thought something happened and i wasnt there for him when i said i would…felt so guilty so, i end up calling him when i said i wont plus my credit is going down real fast…ishhh… worse was, the buletin was a ‘joke’..arggggggggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh… he posted it for fun, just to see who actually treasure and care about him..walau eh… felt like screaming my head out as at that time i was damn pissed off with something else… luckily i did chatted with marv before that, if not, sure the whole neighbourhood will wake up from my loud scary scream..ish…..

at times i do wonder how much could i keep to my words…
it seems that when ppl need me to be there for them, i would push away everything even my own problems to be by their side, to support them, to encourage them to be strong even though i myself is dieing half way…. when i said i wouldnt care about them anymore, end up,  i wish i could be there for them even more…i wish i could understand them even more, i wish i could luv them more… coz i know if i ignore them, my heart will grief forever.. i know i will NEVER sleep again… i know i will NEVER breathe properly again… i know i will feel guilty forever… i know i will hate myself forever… i know i will NEVER forgive myself EVER again… i know and understand how it feels to be so alone, so empty, so helpless….. 

why didnt i keep to my words?
why did i still care when i said i wont?
why did i still care when i said i dont give a damn?
why did i still understand when i said i wont?
why did i still call when i said i wont?
why did i still keep in touch when i said i wont?
why did my heart soften when i said i will strong?
why did my heart bleed when i said i dont care anymore?
why did my heart cry when i said i dont luv anymore?

is it that i can NEVER stop caring..
even when i wanted to be cared
is it that i can NEVER stop sharing?
even when i wanted so badly to be able to share
is it that i can NEVER stop understanding?
even when i wanted to be understood
is it that i can NEVER stop luving?
even when i wanted so badly to be loved
is it that i can NEVER stop worrying?
even though my brain is at its maximum capacity
is it that i can NEVER stop giving?
even though my heart is grieving