Enduring Journey..

i dont really know what got into me these few days… it’s so unlike me to lose my temper to practically everyone..and worse, i dont feel any regrets and wish i that i should have ‘killed’ that person even more… god…what is wrong with me? i know exam fever is coming up but it’s really not me… i mean i dont feel that much pressure compared to the first term, but why i am behaving like that???

the really pain that is stuck in my heart is the stupid public uni thingy… until now, i cant seem to forget about it and i dont think i EVER could… it’s too painful… honestly, i DONT NEED sympathy, emphaty or watsoever… there’s no need for anyone to feel sorry for me… there’s no need for anyone to say they will be there for me if i ever need them, coz they NEVER did… there’s no need to spread rumours around…there’s no need to be so damn kind good-bearted when u dont even know how i feel… there’s no need to pretend to be goody-two-shoes coz i NO longer trust u ANYMORE… there’s no need to trying to console me coz u failed even before u start… there’s no need to hurt me coz u will be hurt even more… there’s no need to keep in touch with me when all u could do was give me empty promises…

the thing that hurt me today was i cant believe that deccee ACTUALLY thought that i envy and am jealous of those in public uni… I DONT ENVY them…. i dont have to… most of them worked hard for watever course they are pursuing..so, who am i to envy their success…??? i’m a nobody in this world…who knows the miseries that i’m going thru… try to be in my shoes…try to be humiliated in this position… try to be treated like a junk… try to just let go of ur dream when u worked hard for it… try to be embrassed in front of ppl who are laughing at ur failure… try to be cursed and swear for things u didnt do… try to be used again and again by people who u called ‘frens’.. try to be alone during ur worst nightmares… try to be kicked and dumped when u need people by urside… try to be strong when ur strength is at the negative level… try to be ME……

well, yesterday was such a tiring day i supposed… i slept quite early in the morning, about 5am after watching the chinese drama and reading my novel… in the afternoon,  went to temple to pray..later at night, went for the Wesak Day’s procession… i didnt know i could be that tired till my legs were stiffen and could actually break into pieces at that moment. met a few people i know ler..but then, that wasnt my main purpose..  kinda disappointed that i didnt bring my camera along ler.. aiks… sigh… there were so many people and at one point, i thought i would be suffocated by the huge crowd…. when i completed the journey, my legs just wouldnt take it anymore… then, dropped dead on my comfy mattress after eating durian…haha… GOD, all the late night supper is really ‘killing’ me…

well, today i still didnt really have the mood to study for my finals…hehe… i started to glance thru a few pages of the notes, but i was more addicted to the TVB drama that my bro downloaded even though i dont even know the starting of the story… hehe… i know i should be studying..my dad just ’sounded’ me… hehe… sorry ler.. dont really have the mood yet, but i’ll try to study consistently as i know i will die if i procrastinate too much… gan bah teh…

then, just received a few smses from joyce…not a good news.. but i just hope things will be allrite on the ‘problem’… GOD, please guide her thru and let her be strong to face this ‘obstacle’…. GOD, please bless her and ‘the people’ that are suffering…. i just wish i could be by her side to support her at this moment… i feel so helpless…. aiksssss… i’m so sorry….

well, today there was a long meeting for the bioetech students and prof helen talked and clarrified certain matters with us..it’s really pissing when we need to move to the hostel in semeling campus but our lectures will still be in aman jaya…it’s like so damn shitting… they dun really have the brains to think is it.. we  have already spent thousands for our current house and we arent gonna move just like that…. we will fight till we die for it… i simply cant stand ppl who just know how to ask and ‘cucuk’ others to ‘argue’ but they sit as innocent angels.. i wonder if those who voice out their opinion were to be punished or suspended, will these ‘angles’ help or support them or just pretend not to know these ppl….SHITSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!

anyway, the good news is that we will be having 6 weeks break… YIPPIEEEEEEEEEEE!!! cant wait for the exam to be over…i’m gona enjoy hard before the new sem starts coz after that, it will be like work hard and shit dee.. aint gona let anything stop me or hinder me anymore… i’m still keeping my fingers crossed for my ’second target’..to damn fakers who are in my life, i’ll make sure u guys ‘die’ in my hands one of these days… i’m gona push everything far away from my mind.. i WONT GIVE UP… there’s still a tiny chance for me to go on..and i SWEAR i’ll go for it…

okies… heading back to my dear sweet home after class today…cant wait to see my family after 3 weeks… hehe… and my dear biggy pooh and my dear chaochao…OMG… haha… so, i’m gona let my mood to be runied by those ‘unhappy’ news anymore… enjoying hard and study hard later ler… muahahahahahhaha

well, the title was what my mentor told me when he saw me today… that’s like so walau eh..coz my coursemates always say that my face look like one big ‘pao’ that’s gonna explode…so, who is saying the right thing? i dont doubt that i’m good in hiding my pain inside..but i NEVER expect my lecturer to say that to me… urm… tha’ts something i should really look into i guess… i dont deny that i do look serious when i’m in such a bad mood, and i cant possibly change that…it’s in me… but i do try to be happy like everyone is asking me to do so… i still remember my fren said that, happy also one day, sad also one day…so, better be happy loh… plus, someone said that i look better when i smile,so, i’ll try not to put the pig face anymore loh… hahahaha….

oo..didnt present for my CT..my turn is on thurs…so, we just went back yesterday and went to tesco… haha… the seniors said we are not allowed to leave if we havent finish with our presentation but what the heck?? sir didnt ask us to stay also… mengada-ngada… stupiakkkkkkkk!!!!!!!!! then, we continued with our drama…fuyoh broke my own record also…11 episodes one shot… haha… left one more episode coz my eyes could no longer open dee ler.. dont know why my eyes are swollen AGAIN… so teruk ler… aiksssssssss….

okies… 3 more days…. cant wait to go bk… FINALLY settled my payment with AIMST … haih… dont have to worry too much dee… okies.. continue later… chaooooo

well, it’s been two weeks since i last went back to pg.. miss my dear ‘chaochao’ and biggy pooh so much even though the smaller version of pooh bear is accompanying me every nite… aiks… i do miss all the food in pg…after weeks of dieting and controling my diet, i’m gona eat wat ever i wana eat..but of course must still control ler… cant lose that challenge eh… this week will be the last week in BLM as we will be having our study break nex week..plan to enjoy to the max then only do serious revision and studying.. muahahaha… just cant wait to go back… a few more days… just hope that our sir wouldnt have any replacement classes on saturday or i think most of us will really curse and swear… he will do it purposely ler… ishhhhhhhhhhh… pray hard ler…

oohh..last week was a hectic week…we almost went nutty for our presentation…the changes and editting… but it didnt turn out as we hoped for… we were satisfied with our work but on the day of the presentation itself, dont even know what went wrong and only GOD knows why our video clips cant be projected.. everyone’s video clips were okay except ours… that was a huge disappointment as they were the most interesting part of our presentation… aiks… what to do… we asked around but no one knows what went wrong.. i guess luck wasnt on our part… sigh…. okies… wanna wish HAPPY TEACHER"S DAY to all the teachers that i know especially my DADDY, Ms Neoh,Ms Yeoh, Mr.Khor and all the teachers that have guided me through all these while… thank for all the guidiance and advices u all gave me.. i’ll NEVER forget about them as they are instilled in my mind… i appreciate everything that u all have done for me… words wouldnt be able to explain my gratitude to u all but i still THANK u all as much as i could….

oh, and happy 21st bday to me fren, kah wai… may all ur bday wishes come true as well..and all da best in watever u do…

okies…better stop here for now… need to find information for my assignment…will have my CT presentation later in the evening..and it’s been raining for days and i cant wash my clothes… my mum gonna faint if i were to take those stacks back…oopppppppppppsssss

these few days i’ve been dreaming lots of weird dreams..and all the dreams dont end well.. this morning i nearly cried while dreaming.. if not for the sound of the running water in the bathroom, i would be crying like anything.. i woke up in a daze and it was as if i lost my breath or something… i wanted to sream out loud but no one will hear me… i wanted to cry out but no one will bother about me… i wanted a hug badly but no one is there for me…. why am i stuck over here??? why is there something that is suffocating me?? why is there something that is draining me mentally and emotionally.. but i dont know why??? i’ve been losing my appetite even though part of me is dieting hard… i dont seem to wana even eat… i dont know what is affecting me… i wish i could do something… i wish i could talk to someone… but there’s no one who will be willing to talk to me and understand me… that’s wat life is all about… all the empty promises..i will NEVER forget… i dont know how will i carry on.. there’s nothing i’m actually looking forward too.. why cant i forget those smiles and happy moments that was NEVER there??? i’m trying so hard to get a grip of myself… how am i to survive???

                                Friendship,
What is the real meaning?
How true it is?
Is it just a word?
Or is there any meaning behind it?

Friendship,
I thought we earn it through,
Trust, understanding, love and care,
Not money, not fame, not power,
It’s not easy for us to trust someone,
Neither is it easy for someone to trust us,
We tried our best to be understanding,
But how much do we really understand our friends?
We said we love and will always love them,
But how true is our friendship love?
We assured them we care and will always care,
But do we really care from the bottom of our heart?
We promised and made lots of promises,
But how many times have we failed to fulfill our promises?
Or how many times have we given them empty promises?

Friendship,
Before we part, we promised to keep in touch,
But do we really keep in touch?
Or is it just, "Hi, but I need to go, so, Bye!"
We promised to send emails, messages and smses,
But how often do we do that?
Do we realize that even a little beep on the phone,
Or a little message saying ‘I miss u’ or ‘Frens foreva’,
Means a whole lot to certain people?

Friendship,
It’s so easy for us to cancel our appointments,
It’s so simple for us NOT to keep to our words,
But do we care about the consequences?
Do we realize how we could hurt the people we promised?
Do we realize that people will NEVER trust us again?
Do we ever realize that it could actually jeopardize the friendship?

Friendship,
How often do we tell our friends ,
"I’ll always be there for u"?
Do we really mean it or is it just formality?
Where were we when they cried so badly?
Where were we when they needed a shoulder?
Where were we when they needed comfort?
Where were we when they needed a friendship hug?
Where were we when they were so down and sick?
Where were we when they needed us the most???

Friendship,
When we are in a relationship,
We are euphoric, happy, blessed and joyful,
But why do we have to change?
Why do we have to ignore people close to us?
Why do we sacrifice the friendships we have?
Why do we treat our friends differently?
Why do we need to pretend as if they are invisible?
Nevertheless, when we have problems in our relationships,
We turn to people we called friends,
They comfort, support and cheer us up,
But do we remember how we’ve neglected them?
Do we realize how selfish we’ve turned into?
Do we realize how jerky we could be?
Do we realize how much pain we’ve caused them?
Do we realize how we disappoint them with our stuck up attitude?
Just by the line, "Sorry, but I’m in a relationship now."

Friendship,
Too often, we take friendships for granted,
We might not know how much,
We hurt the people who care & treasure us the most,
We hardly realize our mistakes until it’s too late,
We are hurt when people said they hate us,
But do we ever realize the pain we’ve caused them?
Do we care how painful his / her heart is?
Even though we might hate a particular person,
But deep inside, we still and will always care and love them silently,
It’s so easy for us to say "sorry & please forgive me",
But how true are we when we said that?
Do we really mean it or is it just to please someone?
Does a sorry mean anything?
Can it ever mend a broken heart?
Can it ever clear the pain we’ve caused?
Can it ever wash away the guilt inside us?
Can it ever maintain the beautiful and meaningful friendship we once had???

Friendship,
How long will it take us to realize,
How grateful we are to have friends,
Who care about us more than themselves,
Who love us with their whole heart,
Who treasure us like precious diamonds,
Who are always by our side,
No matter how much we’ve hurt them¡­

Friendship,
We NEVER realize how much someone means to us,
How important the things and advices they gave us,
How meaningful their support and encouragement,
Or appreciate their presence in our lives,
Until the day when u hear NO MORE from him / her,
Then, we’ll start asking "where, what, why and when?"
And saying, "I wished I could have told him / her earlier.."
Or, "I wished I could have done this or that earlier.."
Or, "I wished I don’t have to lie and just be true.."
How often do realize we will be too late?
We might regret for life for neglecting our friendships,
We will NEVER forgive ourselves for discarding our true friends,
We will even hate ourselves for treating them,
Like pieces of junk and ignoring them,
When they are actually wonderful ANGELS who,
NEVER fail to pray to GOD to bless us abundantly,
Hoping that we are happy and healthy foreva…­

~mei~

this weekend, i spent my first weekend in SP for the semester… urm.. that’s something like an achievement too ler… i didnt stay for the weekend for quite some time dee… it was plain boring and this weekend will be the second time..thanx to the sociology sir to have replacement classes on saturdays and also thanx to the ministry for raising the petrol price…ishh.. makes me think twice of staying back in SP… besides i think i save a lot too ler… and reallly trying to stop myself from eating..my diet HAVE TO work ler… muahahahaha…. kenot lose that bet.. and i just hope mum wouldnt scream her head at me.. she hates it when she knows i didnt deat…besides, my biscuits cant seem to finish.. oooppz.. i will have to curi curi take back to pg and add to her stock… hehe

hmm… dont really know how to start… had my sociological test yesterday… quite okay ler… but still have a few questions that i’m not sure… i couldnt remember some of the specific terms..arh..just hope that my marks wouldnt be that back…

haih… it seems that something is not right…

i could feel that my breathing is getting more and more difficult each day…

i could feel that my heart is starting to feel the pain that is drowing me…

i could feel my head is spinning and turning in a position that is killing me…

i could sense that the smile and laughter were no longer there…

i could sense that the light shining on me is fading away…

i could sense that lightning and storm is coming my way…

i could sense that the flowers and trees in the garden are drying out..

i could sense that the energy in me is running low…

i could sense that the strength in me is getting weaker…

i could sense that i’m cornered into my own island again…

i could sense that i’m all by myself again….

how could you lie to me again and again…

you keep promising that u’ll be there…. but

u were NEVER there when i needed u…

why did u keep assuring me..when…

all u could do was to leave me alone…

why did u swear that u’ll care for me…when…

all u could do was say but u never did….

why do u have to break my heart…

why do u have to give me the cold shoulder..

why do u have to treat me like this…

i’m tired…and lonely… i hope that u’ll lift me up again…

but i hope no more..coz it wouldnt work…

u just leave me alone again and again…

my heart has ‘died’… so is my soul……

hmm…. it seems so easy to tell other ppl to be strong when they are down and sad…but when it comes to our ownself, it seems so hard to even stand on our feet again… i dont know how many times i’ve went thru this but it never seems to be the same anymore… life has change since a few years back when i started to learn and still learning what life is all about… it’s not colourful, bright, nice, beautiful, sweet and everything that we could think off… most of the things that i went thru was pain, misery and more pain and more miseries… all the back stabbings, lies, being used… that’s part of cruelty in life and more is yet to come… only GOD knows when and where… i’m not looking forward to it but i have no choice but to face the reality of life…

another thing is..to louis, i dont really know what is he thinking or what is in his mind but after what ever happened during CNY, the blaim he put on me, has changed me whole perspective on him as well… i tried my best to patch things up, or tried to be nice and did watever to save the ‘godbro-sis relationship, but i dont think i’m going anywhere… i feel that i dont know him anymore… and he doesnt even care and understand me..like he always say… he keeps saying that he’s there for me, BUT I DONT FEEL IT… was it just a lie??? or maybe he was just being true??? but then, i dont really how to talk to him anymore… i dont even know why he asked me to be his godsis, when pain is wat i could feel… i felt that i’m the last to know about anything and he will only talk to me when there’s like no one… so, am i being used again???… i certainly hope not.,. but i could sense it… if he could have lots of godsis, why me??? he could talk so nicely to them..but not me….y cant he treat me like he treat them… i’m feeling that i’m used as one big junk AGAIN by him… arhh…. i just hope there’s nothing coming on again..coz i think i’ll and SHOULD keep to my words… i shouldnt have acknowlegde that msg… once a sis and always a sis??? to me, it’s just BULLSHITs. … sorry.. but if u just say but dun mean it and keep on hurting me again and again, then, it’s REALLY BULLSHITS… dont ever say that i hurt u with my words, coz u HURT ME MORE THAN U COULD IMAGINE NOT ONLY WITH UR WORDS BUT ACTIONS AS WELL……

okies… better not continue… feel like going back and take a nap… aiks.. so sien man… chao… later having class and there’s CT test tmr…aiks……

aiks… dont know what to say about these few days… my eyes are swollen again after i stayed up till nearly about 4am on saturday to complete the assignment… hopefully it’s ok… need to finalize it by this week and my mind is also thinking about both the socio and CT presentations… arh… it’s really killing..

it’s so uncomfortable when ur mind is so messed up and that’s something i’m feeling… these few days also i cant really breathe well… it’s like something is blocking my passage way…it’s a symptom… i dont know how to say the pain in me…arh…

these few days, i received a few mails and smses by ppl i didnt really expect… thanx to u all… i think u know who u are… things are pretty tough on my part… and i think by this month, the public uni result will be out too.. i’m keeping my fingers crossed but i darent pray and hope too much… i just cant take the disappointment anymore… just hope that somehow, something will lead me somewhere…

yesterday, my family together with my cousins celebrated early ‘mother’s day’ for our mums… we went to evergreen for the buffet dinner and i think i gained pounds..i’m breaking my diet rules.. and i’m pretty sick with myself… each time i’m in pg, i swallow like a pig and starve myself in sp… GOD, it’s only less than 5 months before my due date and i really need to work hard on it…

okies, this week will pengsan with 2 mid sem tests… good luck to me..sociological perspective on weds and critical thinking on fri… adious… heading back to campus tmr afternoon…