Enduring Journey..

almost got drunk at school at 14
Where I almost made out with the homecoming queen
Who almost went on to be miss texas
But lost to a slut with much bigger breastes
I almost dropped out to move to LA
Where I was almost famous for almost a day

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn’t cut it
Almost loved you
I almost wished u would’ve loved me too

I almost held up a grocery store
Where I almost did 5 years and then 7 more
Cuz I almost got popped for a fight with a thug
Cuz he almost made off with a bunch of the drugs
That I almost got hooked on cuz you ran away
And I wish I woulda had the nerve to ask you to stay

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn’t cut it
Almost had you
And I didn’t even know it

You kept me guessing and now I guess that
I spent my time missing you
I almost wish you would’ve loved me too

Here I go thinking about all the things I could’ve done
I’m gonna need a forklift cuz all the baggage weighs a ton
I know we’ve had our problems I can’t remember one

I almost forgot to say something else
And if I cant fit it in I’ll keep it all to myself
I almost wrote a song about you today
But I tore it all open and I threw it away

And I almost had you
But I guess that doesn’t cut it
Almost had you
And I didn’t even know it

You kept me guessing and now I guess that
I spent my time missing you
And I almost had you

I almost wish you would’ve loved me too

it was supposed to be a one week break but i didnt do anything much… i wanted to go for a movie marathon, but i didnt even go to any shopping complexes… it was horrid when i think about it… i so badly wana go out and clear my mind but in the end, it’s back in my room again and again… i’m having a quiz/test on sociological perspective this weds/fri, but i dont even bother to study or wat so watever.. it’s so unlike me.. but i just dont know how to describe the things in my head.. probably i think too much about others.. i worry about them more than myself… i know this shouldnt be the way.. i’ve tried endlessly to take things lightly when it comes to others, but it doesnt seem to work… but indeed, i long to hear from them more and more… i cant possibly tell them the truth that i’ve been hiding.. i dont have the heart to break their hearts.. i dont have any intension to intrude into their life… i’ve learnt my lesson when others dont appreciate what i do for them…i’ve learnt my lesson when others dont love me as i luv them..i’ve learnt my lesson when others only talk but they dont mean it when they promised to be there for me.. i’ve learnt my lesson when i’m treated like one piece of junk… i’ve learnt my lesson when others stabbed me hard in the back and ripped my heart apart…i’ve learnt my lesson when others dont care of my feelings or the pain i’ve been going thru, but instead they bombarded me with all kinds of hurtful comments and blaimed me for the things i didnt do… at times, it’s very tormenting when these are the ppl i considered true to me… i thought they were the ones that understand, care and appreciate me and will the ones i could rely on.. how wrong i was or still am??? they are the precious diamonds i i have and they are the pieces of puzzle that complete my life… but..why do they have to treat me like that??? there’s no answer and i dont think there will ever be an answer..coz no one really cares what others do for them until it’s too late.. no one ever cares how sick a person is until when the ‘victim’ is in the critical stage.. no one ever bothers about what others say even though it’s the truth.. no one ever realise about their mistakes until it’s too late too… no one ever remembers the promises they made.. no one ever cares of the people who are silently supporting and praying for them…no one ever realise that even a little effort to keep in touch, to care, to be there for someone could actually save or help someone… it’s only human… we do make mistakes… but isnt it time we realise it and make some correction… no one is perfect but a little effort do help… it’s up to us… there’s no point regretting later coz u cant do anything more….. u could only hate urself for taking granted of the true luv someone is showering on u…

why is it so hard for us to express the feelings inside us?
why is telling the truth becomes one of the difficult things
to do in life?
why is trying our best to be true seems to be a torturing moment?
why is clearing the over loaded mind so tough?
why is mending a broken seems to be so impossible?
why is trying to understand someone seems not right?

well, i dont know what’s going on with me… my mind have been thinking too much, that i think i’m burdening it with all the nonsense… i tried to do other things to keep my mind buzy but it doesnt seem to work… well, it’s really hard for me to express the feelings inside me… i think the consequences i will be facing will be to much for me to handle.. i dont have the heart to hurt anyone, i dont have the heart to lose anyone, i dont have the heart to leave anyone, i dont have the heart to…arh… i dont know anymore…i’m so so so messed up……..

We’re not gonna be
Just apart of their game
We’re not gonna be
Just the victims
They’re takin’ our dreams
And they tear them apart
‘Til everyone’s the same
I’ve got no place to go
I’ve got no where to run
They’d love to watch me fall
They think they know it all

I’m a nightmare, a disaster
That’s what they always say
I’m a lost cause, not a hero
But I’ll make it on my own
I’ve gotta prove them wrong
Me against the world
It’s me against the world

We won’t let them change
How we feel in our hearts
We’re not gonna let them control us
We won’t let them shove
All their thoughts in our heads
And we’ll never be like them

I’ve got no place to go
I’ve got no where to run
They love to watch me fall
They think they know it all

I’m a nightmare, a disaster
That’s what they always say
I’m a lost cause, not a hero
But I’ll make it on my own
I’m gonna prove them wrong
It’s me against the world
Me against the world

Now I’m sick of this waiting
So come on and take your shot
You can spit all your insults
But nothing you say’s gonna change us
You can sit there and judge me
Say what you want to
We’ll never let you win

I’m a nightmare, a disaster
That’s what they always said
I’m a lost cause, not a hero
But I’ll make it on my own
Me against the world

I’m a nightmare, a disaster
That’s what they always said
I’m a lost cause, not a hero
But I’ll make it on my own
I’ve got to prove them wrong
They’ll never bring us down

We’ll never fall in line
I’ll make it on my own
Me against the world

since the day u told me u will leave
my heart was crying bit by bit
i couldnt take the pain anymore
neither could i stand the loneliness anymore
i dont really have much time left
but there’s hardly anytime for me to rest
i wish i could plead to u not to go
becoz i dont have the heart to let u go
i tried to push it far away from my mind
but it’s haunting me and stuck in my mind

i wish u dont have to leave
but it’s ur dream that u’re going to achieve
i cant possibly stop u
i cant possibly hurt u
i cant possibly discourage u
but instead,
i should inspire u
i should support u
i should encourage u
i should pray for u
i should be happy for u
i should pray hard for u
i should hope for the best for u
coz i really do luv u…

time is really running fast
in a few months time
u will be going far away
i do wish i could spend this few months with u
i do wish i could spend some really good time with u
i do wish we could appreciate the few moments together
i do wish we could treasure these moments too
i do wish those times wont be the last few times thou
but…
i dont know how to tell u
i dont intend to disturb
i dont want to destroy the joy u’re having
i dont want to interupt the life u’re enjoying
i dont want u to hate me for that…

nevertheless…
i’m afraid my health wont help me much
i’m afraid i might wont be able to see u again
i’m afraid i might wont hear from u again
i’m afraid to be alone all again
i’m afraid to be so empty again
i’m afraid i will regret foreva even to the day i die…

u might dun understand the pain i’ve gone thru
i dont have the heart to tell u any
i NEVER want u to suffer my pain
i NEVER want u to go thru the tormenting period
i NEVER want u to see my cry
i NEVER want u to see me break down
coz all i want is u to be happy and blessed all day thru…

i thank u for lending my ur ear
i thank u for lending me ur shoulder
i thank u for cheering me up
i thank u for being there for me
i thank u for ur support
i thank u for ur encouragement
i thank u for ur care
i thank u for ur luv
i thank u for everything…

what’s the point of caring for others when all they know was to hurt u back in return?
what’s the point of going the extra miles for others when after all u’re dead to them?
what’s the point of burdening urself for others when u’re like one big junk that’s no longer usable once u finish ur ‘task’?
what’s the point of for ever trying to keep in touch with ppl u treasure as frens when to them, u’re already history and no longer in their list of frens?
what’s the point of understanding about other ppl’s feeling when no one ever give a damn to understand how u feel?
what’s the point of crying for others when they just leave u alone when u’re in deep shit?
what’s the point of loving others when u’re nothing to them?
what’s the point of making promises when no seems to bother about what u do?
what’s the point of talking when no one ever cares about what u say?
what’s the point of sharing when no one is there for u?
what’s the point of living when after all it’s meaningless and full with regrets and pain??

no matter how nice and understanding i could be, no one appreciates it and instead, they fire me back with all those unkind words… rude, sensitive, sarcastic, harsh, idiot etc… if this is what it takes to trying to care for ur frens, i do wish i NEVER exist in the first place… i do wish to know what is keeping me alive… GOD, i do wish u teach me what i should do… i’m too weak to carry on… the feeling of emptiness and loneliness is creeping up again… where are u when i needed u the most??????

anyway, happy b’day to my dearest daddy… i hope that GOD will bless u always with happiness and stay healthy.. i’m sorry for showing my bad attitude, but deep inside it’s too painful… i will try my best to change… i’ll keep to that word… i swear..

"Boulevard of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I’m the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I’m walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What’s fucked up and everything’s alright
Check my vital signs
To know I’m still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a…
My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a…

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I’m the only one and I walk a…

My shadow’s the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart’s the only thing that’s beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
‘Til then I walk alone

this is the song that reflects my true life… being alone all this while..there’s no one there for me previously and there will be no one for me in the future…so it’s all me by myself to carry on….

Why me again?
As i type this
Tears have been rolling down
Since the phone call that came
And destroyed my wonderful weekend…

Why me again?
It’s been 4 years
I could be considered to be ‘alone’
In a place i used to call my dear home
Lots of love and hugs
Lots of happiness and laughter
Lots of wonderful celebration
Lots of sweet memories
Lots of warm and togetherness…

Why me again?
When i thought there’s a new beginning
I was wrong yet again
The cozy and warm home
Was no longer there for me…
There was no longer the colourful atmosphere
The sunshine was replaced by dark gloomy coulds
The laughter and joy were replaced by thunder and storm
The ’shelter’ i used to hide and console myself
Was destroyed by both the effects of ‘tremor’
By people that are important in my life…

Why me again?
Since for years back
I learn to fend for myself
I learn to be independent
I learn to be strong
I learn to build up my strength
I learn to be more mature
I learn to make wise decisions
I learn to be firm and confident…

Why me again?
How i wish my ‘pillar of strength’ was with me
How i wish he would guide me through
How i wish he is always supporting me
How i wish he is there to share my joy and sorrow
How i Wish he doesnt have to go elsewhere
And leave me alone to defend myself…
When happiness was no longer there
When joy and laughter were made history
When misery is always haunting and killing me
When sorrow and pain are taking over my life…

Why me again?
People who promised to care and be there for me
Please NEVER promise me again
When it’s meant to be empty and fruitless
Please stop giving me false hopes
Please stop torturing me with sweet talks
Please dont say u love me
When u dont even know me
Please stop murdering my soul
Coz my heart could no longer take it anymore
And my soul is toooo tired to carry on…

Why me again?
Please take my eyes away
When all i could see is darkness
Please take my ears away
When all i could hear are thunder and storm
Please take my mouth away
When all i could say is nothing
Please take my nose away
When all i could smell are poisonous and toxic gases
Please take my hands and legs away
When all i could do is nothing
Please take my mind away
When all i could think & remember are misery and nightmares
Please take my heart away
When all i could sense is pain and more pain
Please take my soul away
When all i could look forward to is nothing…
There’s no longer a place for me..
There’s no longer anyone for me..
There’s no longer any future for me..
There should no longer be a me…….

You…
It’s been 3 years since i first knew you,
But it seems that there’s still a lot of things
that i dont know about you,
There’s no doubt that you are unique,
You have your own style,
You have your own attitude,
Indeed, You have your own life,
A life that i didnt know and will not know…

You…
At first,
You gave me the hope of a true frenship,
You cared for me as a good fren,
You supported me when my life was so blur,
You encouraged me to carry on with life,
You tried to understand the pain i was going through,
You assured me that you’ll be there no matter what happens,
You cheered me up with your jokes and stories,
You ’sprinkled’ me with some magic, colour and light,
And most importantly,
You promised me that our frenship will last foreva…

You…
Nevertheless,
Things are easier said than done,
After barely a year,
You tend to shy away from me,
You seemed to forget all the things you said,
You didnt seem to care about me anymore,
All you remember was you things, projects and friends,
You didnt bother to reply my mails, sms and calls,
You ignored me as if i was dead,
You left me to cry by myself when i was so down,
You left me to fend for myself when i was at my lowest level,
You failed to keep your words,
You broke your promises,
And worst of all,
You forgot the most important day of my life,
not one but twice…

You…
The cold treatment you gave me,
was indeed too painful to endure,
The pain suffocated me daily,
My heart was torn apart into million of pieces,
My mind was clouded with misery,
My eyes was swollen, worse than that of a panda,
My life was NEver the same again…

You…
No matter what you did,
I know u have your own reasons for what ever that happened,
Deep inside my recovering heart and soul,
You remain an important part of my life,
You’re one of the precious diamond in my life,
You’re one of the pieces of puzzles that complete my life,
You’re one of the people i treasure so dearly,
You’re one of the people i care so much about,
And most significantly,
You’re the ONLY one that i EVER love so much
that it’s stuck in my heart…

You…
As time passed by,
GOD somehow managed to answer my prayers,
I didnt know how it came along,
But i was very glad about it,
When i thought that i would be ‘losing’ you as a fren,
Out of no where,
You came back to my life,
You tried your best to patch things up,
You tried to care for me like you used to,
You took some initiative to keep in touch,
Something u NEVER did previously
You tried to cheer me up again,
You try be all means to make me believe again
that you are always there for me…

You…
I wish i could tell you my true feelings,
I wish i could tell you what’s inside my heart,
I wish i could tell you what’s inside the corner of my mind,
I wish i could spend some good time with you,
I wish you could treat me like you used to,
But alas,
I realize that things will NEVER be the same anymore,
I dont have the heart to destroy our frenship,
And certainly,
I dont wana EVER lose u as a DEAR fren again…

You…
Last but no least,
I pray to GOd to bless you always,
I hope happiness will always be with you and your special someone,
I hope you’ll succeed in whatever you’re doing,
I hope you’ll achieve you ambition,
Coz,
If you’re happy and successful,
I’ll be happy for u too…
~Luv foreva~

today, i forced myself up early.. coz practically life is like too boring that i sleep till my bone also ’senget’ one side and my mattress is sinking in the middle ..hehe… then, went walking around with felina..need to burn some fats.. aint taking steven’s cabaran lightly.. gonna prove to him that i can do it..then, by the time we reached our house, i was so dizzy.. urm, kinda expected that coz i ate one apple and 2 stick of munchini… hehe.. mum’s gona freak out when she knows it… i dont know how many lies i had told her when she asked about my meals.. i cant possibly tell her the truth… she’s gona forced me swallow everything like in form 6…and i’m not gona repeat those days… after washing my clothes and taking my bath, i really dropped half dead… my head couldnt take it anymore…

then..out of nowhere, khean yoong called.. fuyow.. really thought i was dreaming coz he DIDNT call like for more than 2 years dee… thanx to him that i woke up from some horrible dream that i didnt wana mention anymore… THANX my fren… he didnt tell me that he would be coming over to penang today..if not, i could have meet him in butterworth instead since i’m so free… of course miss this frenlah.. didnt see him for like more than 1year deeloh… probably he wouldnt be able to recognize me also deelah… i’ve changed quite a lot since the disastrous day.. ..got lots and lots of things to tell him mah… anyway, it’s really good that we are still keeping in touch unlike like last time and he did take sum initiative to get back to me, unlike last time, dont even bother anything…so… hope that our frenship will be better…

haih..the weather is killing that i had to come early to campus…hehe..’soonpin’ online too loh..haha.. okies.. chao first… looking forward to go back this weekend… dad’s birthday on sunday..didnt buy anything for him yet..ooppppsssssssss…must ‘keng’ with my bro dee.. both of us are broke…hahahahaha…