Enduring Journey..

2009…

yet another year passes by..

it was just like yesterday..

when i was typing about the memories of 2008..

and now..with a few more hours to go..

im typing about things and memories of 2009..

it was full of happy, not so good and painful memories..

but if without these mixture..

i wouldnt be the person i am today…

to start of the year..(im flipping through my sushi king’s calender)

i remember that it was 10 days to exam..

sigh..so it was the second time that new year was near exam..

so, it was my usual stay in the comfort room concept..

but i was glad to be able to witness the fireworks display..

it was something, better than nothing thou
in march, was glad to be able to attend’s bro registration of marriage..

it marked the day i officially have a new sister who loves me..
so that i wouldnt be ‘bullied’ by my brother..

at least i know where to ‘complain’ if it happens..

also a sister whom i can share my probs with..

those that are ’secrets’ to my brother and parents
coming to mid year of 2009..

that was the last posting for my 4th year..

we had the fun and memorable time being together for one year..

the two postings where we stayed nearby each other..

was the best moments of all..

even up to now..

i miss the time dearly..it was so different..

it was also the time when i learnt that..

u dont judge ppl by what other ppl said..

u have to be with them to know who they are..

and..just accept them as they are..

as everyone is unique and no one is perfect, so am i..

the mid year also marked a special time for me..

being able to do my electives in Taiwan..

was a dream come true for me after one year of planning…

though it was a hard obstacle in the Mandarin world..

it was truly a memory that i wont forget..

to spend 4weeks there, joining the TC activities..

and getting to know wonderful ppl there..

was something wonderful, really meaningful to me…

not forgetting the short trips we went around the places..

though not many..but its still something…

and ya..i miss the food there thou..keke…

oo..of coz not only Taiwan..

i am also glad to that we had a chance to stop by at Philippines..

ya..though its just a stop over..

but meeting the wonderful TC ppl there..

really touched my heart..

it was the time..i felt the motherly love in a foreign land..

and i certainly suit myself..

as they are speaking hokkien and english
the few days there was really meaningful for me..

i was touched deeply for the care and concern..

and not forgetting knowing nice frens and a close fren there
after the trip…had a 1month break..

it was time with family and frens..

really had a nice time just lazing around in the house..

and bermanja-ing with parents..

i bet those who are studying far from home..

will understand wat holidays mean to me..

so..after all the enjoyment time..

its time to start the FINAL year of my medical student life..

the title ‘FINAL YEAR’ really left an impact in me..

even though keep saying i will work EXTREMELY hard..

but mana tau..aiyo..still so tak bertaubat..

keke..but i REALLY hav to bertaubat ady..

not much time left for the FINALE exam ady..

so..hav to be super super guai..

1st posting didnt go well for me..

it was the moment that hit me REAL hard as a student..

panicky attack and lack of confidence always bring me down..

but i wont give up trying and trying..

and i will keep my head high, like wat my lecturer told me..

and hope that things will be better for me…

so, all the best to me for all my coming exams..

september came..

it was the month of many events..

first was a happy moment of me :)..

i was euphoric, smiling each time i hav news

i was happy each time a new msg came in..

i was above all when i received calls or was able to talk..

but unfortunately..it didnt go on too well :(..

yeah, it was heart breaking..

but it happened for a reason i guess…

im happy for the times we had..

and glad that we are still frens..

and maybe friends for life is better for now..

september was also my bday..

was happy for the 1st oversea call..

and being able to celebrate with close frens..

was more than enough for me..

love you all..hugs and muax

coming to the end of the year…

many many events happened..

the happy would be brother’s wedding..

it was buzy few months of preparation..

and parents was even willing to spend the extra money for me to come back..

it was a bz bz time..but we are glad it went on well..

first time being make up by pro make up artist..

many said i looked pretty..1 or two said i looked bad

but watever it is..

i just wana be myself..and proud of myself..

before the year ends..

it was certainly disheartening to receive so many unhappy news..

my heart broke..and i cried for the ppl who had to went through the sad moments..

though it didnt involve me..i could feel the pain..

my prayers for them and their families..

and may GOD be with them..

after what happened..

i realised that i have taken many things for granted..

i wasnt able to let go of things and memories i hold on so dearly

but it has always been me..

i always care for ppl more than myself..

so when things dont go right..

i always blame myself..

thou most of the time i wasnt at fault..

i guess its time that i move on..

yea..even thou i said i wont care or wont mind..

deep inside i still do..

but i am trying my best not to let minor minor things hurt me..

as..i should appreciate ppl around me..

ppl who love and care for me as who i am..

in a few more minutes…2010 will seep in..

yeah..starting my new year with coming exams AGAIN…

and i just wana stay happy for the year..

single or not..as long as i live my life to the fullest…

being able to spend wonderful times with ppl dear to me..

being able to care everyone that means so much to me..

being able to love those i truly treasure..

is more important to me…

so..all d best for me..

for the nex few months of serious striving moments..

may all of us in our batch survived the exams..

and looking forward to everything 2010 will bring for me..

best wishes to everyone….hugs and muax…

it hit me  suddenly that..

all this while i’ve been in denial..

in a state of dreamland..

in a state surrounded by hopes and dreams..

only to realise that things might not turn out to be the way i have hope for..

reality indeed suck to the max..

yet i cant run from it..

i just have to face it..

will this be my last time pouring my lungs out?

or will there still be nights that i have to go thru silently..

habouring on the hopes that will not come true??

i wish i will have a confirm answer..

i wish could have been done for me..

coz i really dont have the strength to carry on..

i dont have the power to move on..

i dont have the determination to hope anymore..

neither do i have the heart to continue holding on to the dreams..

and pretending it will come true..

Promises

Author: Kathleen Tabin

I can’t believe I fell for your lies
And now I’m the one who cries
Everything just seemed so true
But now you’re making me blue.

Should I just leave you alone?
Can I really live on my own?
Others might even love me too
Yet I know I’ll still long for you.

I’m waiting for you to call
But there’s no sign of you at all
I know that when we’re apart
I’ll always have a broken heart.

You used to promise forever
But why aren’t we together?
How can you do this to me?
Now that I thought we’re happy.

The everlasting memories we share
I honestly found them so rare
Being together for quite long
I just thought we were strong.

I care for you and I do love you
I hope you love me the way I do
I wish you would keep your promises
Because I don’t want my heart in pieces…

p/s: i like this poem..its just so true..is it reflecting what im going thru?? i wonder..

it is the time again when i was hit by the SIEES.. it is really the moment i dreaded most as the pressure load in me is beyond what i have imagined..i thought i was mentally prepared for this year but in the end, i am still weak and finding my way through the ‘thick jungle’ where im lost too many times to be exact..i didnt expect my tears to roll down again last night, over all this workload and the issue that im being bothered with.. being pushed to admit what ever inside me was something i didnt expect and it was so uncomfortable..so wat if i revealed? so wat if the other person knows the things i dislike? so what if the person knows im annoyed of the fact that im being ignored??? blame it on the network, ya right but in the end, i NEVER do that, leaving important msgs and questions unreplied even when im so dead buzy..it certainly ANNOYED me…as most of the time when i sent msg to someone nowadays, it meant im really in trouble and really need someone to talk to..if not i wouldnt even want to send, wats the point when all i got in return was emptiness and hopelessness…hence, it kinda hurt me in a way when someone who promised to be there for me and telling me to contact when i needed someone as the hp wil be on 24hours, also din wana bother me…fine…fair enough.. since im so unwanted, so ignored, so not welcome, i will return to my own nature of keeping everything to myself… i’ve had enough of waiting, waiting and waiting… its a torture… it really is.. please stop promising or giving hope when u cant fulfill it…

22 january…life is so unpredictable…someone who used to hurt
me deeply has become one of my good frens…keke… and i dont even know whether have i changed from almost cracko to cracko due to my never ending depression of being all alone all these while..kaka… sorry and thanx so much to all who have endlessly listen to me mourning again and again with all the stupid rules and conditions, all the what ‘ifs’ blah blah blah… i guess im pain in the ass to certain ppl… have also been considering whether to return to penang after i grad thou parents are making all the plans for me to return… yeah, its all still up to me, but i can imagine the disappointment in their faces if i dont return…so..comes the statement.. if i managed to get someone there, then i may stay back.. so maybe i shouldnt even think of getting someone there to save the unnecessary heartbreak coz after all , my family remains my top priority…

neway, its still a long way.. dont wana burden my already over crowded brain.. just can pray hard to be guided through in everything i do… a few more days to CNY… really preparing like mad since the day i come back.. havent really have a proper rest.. but today i just dropped dead on my bed for almost 4 hours..really cant open my eyes.. tired to the max and the craze will continue til CNY itself.. am lucky to manage to have the family reunion dinner..might not be able to meet all my relatives. it is a good thing in a way so that they wont bug me with the ’single status’ which irritates me actually… even i myself feel allergic to the word dee.. but the sad part was i’ll be missing the BBQ dinner for the 2nd time..haih.. that’s when i can really catch up with my cousins.. no choice ler..so.. happy chinese new year to all… those who are already married..hmm hmm.. remember my ang pow ya..keke…

bangkok/pattaya trip (19-23rd nov 2008)
we took the morning flight to bangkok via airasia and the flight was indeed a bit scary as weird sounds were coming out from the engine. bro was terrified as it was the first time he’s flying with airasia while im a frequent passenger since airasia started its direct flight to pg…okok..there were only 16 of us in the group, quite a small one indeed, our family of four, another family of 4, 3 couples and 2 aunties…by the time we reach bangkok it was almost lunch time.. we headed straight to Morishabu in which we ate the buffet steamboat with individual pots. the variety of food is little compared to shabushabu that i ate in puchong and we were given only like 45 minutes for every meal time..it was like choking urself with watever food in front of u…OMG..after that, we headed to just a roadside four-faced Buddha..hmm, i forgot which face symbolise wat already but the eaisest is, just pray to all mah…kekeke..it was so hectic as we were given like 15 minutes only as the bus was waiting by the roadside. there were so many ppl and we just had to squeeze here and there. i did the fastest prayer ever so that i would have some time to snap some photos. this was also the first time for me to see young adults or children selling their products by walking in between the heavy traffic of vehicles..dangerous bah…next, we went over to a centre which sells products made of crocodile, elephannt, snake and even sting ray skin…wow..first time i heard things made of sting ray skin as grilled sting ray fish is one of my fave food…kekeke…the products are nice but the prices are nice too…after that we were taken to the MBK( mah bun kong)shopping complex.. it was quite huge and we were only given like 2 hours to shop..how to shop lah…wana see, wana try also take some time dee…moreover, sesat here and there lagi…aiyoyo..end up din buy anything pun except some titbits to mummum…kekeke…after that, we went over to have dinner at some nice restaurant, i didnt get the name thou, but the food was nice or was it because we were all so hungry??? my family shared table with two other couples, mr & mrs ooi and mr & mrs lee..the 8 of us practically have our meals together except during breakfast…our round table meals will have 8 dishes and dessert and we were stuffing ourselves up to the esophagus every meal..after dinner we headed to the Royal city hotel…

the next morning we woke up quite early,5.30am eh, (earlier than me waking up for classes..huhu). it was because we were to gather by 6.30am for breakfast and by 7.30am we will be heading to the floating market which is about one hour plus from the hotel we stayed. upon reaching the floating market area, we had a pleasant surprise as we were arranged to take the speedboat to the market..OMG..the water was murky and i dont know how to describe it..no wonder pimples were popping out like anything on my face as we were sprinkled with the dirty river water all along the way… upon reaching the market, we were given ONLY 30 minutes to look around while the journey on the speedboat was like 40minutes…really so crazy, so many things to see but end up only bought a few souvenirs (sorry to my frens…didnt manage to get for everyone)..not to mention, most of the things are super expensive coz it was tourists’ area…aiyoyo…next, we continued our journey to pattaya but on the way we stopped by at the largest restaurant in the world or is it Asia for lunch in which we had buffet dimsum, also 45 minutes like that for eat-all-u can…really eat eat and eat… after lunch, we stopped by at one of the company that uses pollen from the poppy plant to produce honey.. it’s very unique but quite costy too and they also produce face cream using the honey… then, we headed to a zoo i think… keke..over there, we managed to watch the unique thing of tigress feeding piglets while the mother piggy feeding baby tigers…i almost wan faint dee..but after that, wat i saw was lagi memengsankan..they keep the tiger, piggy and dogs in one cage and named them happy family..walau eh…we were also lucky to see pig racing and crocodile show..time was rather short. after a while, we continued our journey to pattaya.. and after around 1 hour we reached pattaya and checked-in mike orchid hotel in which we stayed for 2 nights… after taking a quick bath, we went for dinner and after that to the ‘tiger show’..it was so famous there.. urm, i didnt quite enjoy it, but just went for it to know wat it is all about… after the show, all of us went for the massage and the whole 16 of us were placed in one room. the 2 children were too young, so they just slept or maybe i should say observed all of us..hmm, okok lah, pressed and stepped all my muscles..and the paling mendahsyatkan at the end of the 2 hours was the lady who lifted me up using her legs while i dangled in the mid air..that is when i shouted out loud ‘OH MY GOD’.. by then it was almost 11pm, so we headed back to our hotel and oioi loh…

next morning, wake up bit later 5.45am, and by 6.30am, already ready for breakfast… by 7.15am, we were already heading to the beach as we were scheduled to go to coral island. it was such a luck that i wasnt able to play water activities yet again..geram maximum..no one dare to try the parasailing thou i so badly wanted to do so…bro went on the jet-ski but the wave was quite strong…after barely less than 2 hours, we already headed back to the hotel..after having lunch, we went over to a centre which sells gem products. there were a lot of types but sorry lah, cant afford lah..thousands of ringgit wor..our next stop was to the noon nooch elephant area in which our main activities was to watch the cultural show followed by the elephant show. the landscape of the area was splendid and nothing can describe the feeling.. the elephants were all so cute especially those which were dancing and shaking their heads as if they just took the estacy pills..keke..so so so adorable…they were so cute also when they took the whole bunch of bananas from the audience instead of a few pieces..kekeke…the best part for this trip was to have the short elephant ride of 5 minutes..keke…me and mum enjoyed it the most..keke… and i got a new sandals there…keke…next, we went back to the pattaya city and went for early dinner…after dinner went for a short shopping at the Big C complex but stil didnt get anything as things werent that cheap as expected and we didnt know how to bargain..we went for the ‘ah gua show’ and mind you, it is the best ever show for the whole trip..these ‘women’ are so so so beautiful and they complexion and shape of course win me like 500%..really admire them..some of them really look like artists..respect respect…the show was really really worth it and i will definitely go for a second round if given the chance… after that, we headed back to the hotel…i drank a bottle of briksy, something like vodka..it was nice and cheap…but my mistake was i slept after drinking and felt so warm…my bro was freezing on the bed..keke…

next morning, 5.30am as usual…but by 4am i was woken up dee…had a severe stomachache…ouchie… didnt have much sleep, so was more like a zombie the whole day..was so so so tired… after breakfast we stopped by at the shop by the roadside which sells a lot of food products but the price was higher, so many didnt buy anything..after that,  we went for a short visit to a centre which emphasize of snake products for health purposes and visitors were entertained with a snake show before that…all were in mandarin, so, we just read the english trancription…again..price price..no one bought anything…keke.. then, it was time for the safari park..yippie…this is the first time for many of us to have first time experience moving around the park with the animals roaming around…i was so buzy moving around in the bus to snap photos…when the bus finally stopped, we were rushed to the cowboy show..it was interesting but cant understand much as it was in thai…then, we went for lunch which was included for the visit..it was horrid as hundreds of visitors are fighting for the food..faint faint…after lunch, we headed to the dolphin and baleno whale show…it was the the 2nd best after ‘ah gua’..they are so cute, love them so so so much..even my mum is impressed…keke…its like those dolphin shows we saw on TV… after that, we were brought to the ‘007 show’.. it was great but too many elements till i pun confused… the best effect was when they blew up the tank, u can really feel the heat…bravo…after the show, we headed back to bangkok town…on the way, we stopped by at a shop which sells bird nest..and their speciality was bird nest in the coconut..nice nice…and my family ordered shark fin as well..it was slightly different from the one we always eat…the dinner after that wasnt that nice..just ok ok but i just continue my daily feast of crabb..yumyum… after dinner we terus headed to the song lum night bazaar. also another 2 short hours..really shop for food this time but sorry to my muslim frens as most of the things are non-halal.. after that, terus to the hotel dee…already dead tired..this time we stayed in the 4-star prince palace hotel..the hotel is really classy..keke.. we were informed the morning market will start at 5.00am…

hence, by 6am, we already headed out to the market..thought can shop for some clothes, but the number of ppl is so crazy and ppl were pushing u around or banging u here and there with no ‘excuse me’ or ’sorry’..tak boleh tahan…just headed back to the hotel to have our buffet breakfast as we will be heading back to penang in the afternoon..really balas dendam…ate so much bread and enjoyed my breakfast…kekekeke…after final packing, it was time to go to the airport…we had lunch of some nice pizzas at the airport…and by 2.30pm, we were already flying back…there were a slight delay in the penang airport and we had to wait for almost 30minutes after landing to get off the plane…

all in all it was a nice trip thou there are a few setbacks…thanx to my dad and mum who arranged the whole trip…now..tired maximum sampai having flu and cough..aiyoyo…moody already as wil be heading bk to KK soon…huhuhuhuhuhuhuhu……..

11 november 2008..its always nice to be at home… sleeping with my teddies and my cozy mattress thou it isnt that comfy compared to the single bed in my hostel… i dont know why but having the sleeping sickness once im at home. i just cant help sleeping and sleeping.. been trying my best not to sleep everyday, if not mum would be screaming her lungs out as usual of sending me back to sabah…eww… have been eating lots thou im just on my 4th day back… im DEFINITELy gonna gain so much weight..eating marathon will double once bro is back.. i really miss those days when both of us went hunting for food all around town..aint gonna miss eating so many things this time.. and eating marathon will continue in bangkok..im gonna shop til dad drop…kekeke…and he’s sure gonna scream the hell out of me.. partly have to save lots of money for my taiwan trip nex year as well…aiyoyo… just wish money really drop from heaven..maybe i should try my luck at the lottery..who knows???…

neway, a chatting session with someone really changed my mood a little but it aint gonna destroy my holiday mood… i hate it when someone just have to dig our histories and blamed everything on me.. and telling everyone how pityful he/ she is…it just made me think how sucker and jerky this person is…IRRITATING… just buzz off from my life..i mean it…

its been ages since i post up something..maybe its just becoz i dont feel like typing anymore, or im just plain lazy.. anyway, it was a tough 3 weeks for me having to forget things that have happened during my holiday… it was a terrible nitemare and im praying hard that i dont have to be reminded or think about it in anyway..it was INDEED the worst mistake i’ve done and i cant forgive myself for that… it has definitely changed my perspective on many things..i aint gonna turn back and im VERY sure of my decision.. maybe wat my used to be VIP said was right, but im gonna make sure i stick to my plan this time..i definitely cant forgive the other party..it was just too much for me and i really din expect things to be like that.. the only thing i wana think about this time around is my studies and trying to stay absolutely focus.. nothing is gonna change my mind and i can just pray to be guided through… well.. i really dont know wat to type..i just dont have that stamina to type all those long poems i used to do..sigh sigh sigh… ok then.. all the best to my buddies who are starting their Housemanship soon… mizz my dearest buddy so much…

its been some time since i actually posted anything..well, no one actually to read either…its just be throwing out everything that is bothering me…well, just finished exam on fri..it was one hell of a exam..really darent think of the outcome, just can pray for the best and prepare for the worst… im going to have peace of mind this week..to think of many things..i wana clear my mind before the coming posting starts.. so…give me a break everyone